tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55142768005985713092024-03-16T01:55:57.377-04:00You Must ChillHelping families stay calm and connected.Jenny Runkelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18157102355586856055noreply@blogger.comBlogger182125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-25258046336544064462013-12-20T08:00:00.000-05:002013-12-20T14:45:36.746-05:00Affluenza<div class="Body">
I was reading an article recently about a teen that was involved
in a drunk driving crash that left four people dead. This teen later gave a
reason for why he should be found blameless for the accident. He (or perhaps
his lawyers) said he suffered from a condition called “Affluenza.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Affluenza” isn’t a medically or psychologically diagnosable
condition. It is merely a term that speaks about parents of upper-middle class
parents who refuse to discipline or set proper limits for their children. These
kids often wind up, “out of control” because they had no one to set boundaries
around their lives and to hold them accountable if they crossed them.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Now, I am not writing to place my judgment upon this teen or his
parents. Neither am I planning to give a Nancy Grace type commentary or
synopsis of his case. I am hoping that the idea of boundary setting will begin
an interesting conversation in homes across the land. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmpQw31U1Dbqwj491KaN81veIUOAjduLFv-Zq5anccCuGyrXNfIr2nxQST74rMjpPqaectv1h1xBZwLNT7D73wLbxK9RCuQTzfE3J8witmQrFkvemkZKNz4FRSOItN8KLjloPScTtfrRwm/s1600/affluenza+blog+post.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmpQw31U1Dbqwj491KaN81veIUOAjduLFv-Zq5anccCuGyrXNfIr2nxQST74rMjpPqaectv1h1xBZwLNT7D73wLbxK9RCuQTzfE3J8witmQrFkvemkZKNz4FRSOItN8KLjloPScTtfrRwm/s320/affluenza+blog+post.png" width="320" /></a>I think we can all agree that when it comes to
improperly setting limits and imposing consequences on children, that it is a
phenomenon that spans beyond those parents that earn a high income. Creating
boundaries with your child is a really hard proposition. It is something that
affects every socioeconomic group. Saying no to your children or doling out
punishments are just as difficult whether you live in a penthouse or the
projects. This difficulty, though is one of the things that comes along with
this parenting journey. It just is what it is.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
The laborious nature of setting boundaries and consequences is
the reason many choose to ignore it. However, we are not doing anyone any
favors by turning a blind eye to our child’s negative behavior or excessive
requests. What we are doing is feeding a monster that will one day be unleashed
upon society.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
We are raising men and women who will one day be given the choice
to obey laws and rules or face the massive consequences that come with
noncompliance. Those consequences tear apart families, ruin the next
generation, and cost tax payers $31,000 per year for each prisoner incarcerated
in our penal system.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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There is hope, however. If your kids are still under your roof or
on your payroll, there is still time. The requests that they make are going to
continue to come before us in some way, shape or form. It might be the desire
for one more cookie, the new $500 Xbox One or simply wanting to take the car
for a spin. Sometimes the greatest gift that we can give our kids is a simple,
“No.” Sometimes the most appreciable lessons come when we allow our kids to
suffer the consequences for their actions. There is still time.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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We must learn to push through the pain of the crying, whining and
nagging and do as the late Stephen Covey said in his book, <i>The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People</i>, “Begin with the end in
mind.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body">
What type of adult do we want our kids to be? Most parents I talk
to want their adult kids to be honest, self regulated, self confident and
educated. Whatever attributes your list happens to contain, begin right there.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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If we don’t set limits and consequences, someone else will.
Whomever that person happens to be will not love your child the way you do.
They may not use the mercy and grace that you would. Their words may not be
seasoned with salt. They may not use any sort of justice or diligence in their
punishment. It might be swift, cold and hard. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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We still have time to teach them in a way that seeks to guide
them toward a brighter future.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Teach them the importance of their actions and the unimportance
of <i>some</i> of their desires. The world
is counting on you...and so is your child.<br />
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<span class="”fullpost”"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06651235694847149617noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-85035237522044691462013-12-18T23:16:00.000-05:002013-12-18T23:16:08.146-05:00Ask the Expert: Is Marriage Worth It? <div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US" style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: #0400; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: X-NONE; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: #0400;"> </span><b>Q: “Honestly, I’m not
sure how to ask what I want to ask here. I look around and all my friends are
doing everything they can to get married. But I also look around and see all
these married people doing everything they can to get divorced. It sometimes
seems like marriage is some kind of trap -- like it promises more than it can
deliver. I guess what I’m really asking is this: Is marriage worth it?”</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I come from a long line of long marriages. I’ve been married
18 years, my sister has been married for 25, my parents for 48, and the
granddaddy of them all (pun intended): my grandparents, who died two years ago,
were just shy of having been married for 75 years. In my family, the message
that’s communicated, whether verbally or not, is “when you get married, you’d
better work on it and stay married.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Clearly, not everyone shares that view. We all know the statistics: 1 out of 2 first
marriages will fail; 2 out of 3 second marriages; and 3 out of 4 third
marriages will end in divorce. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What’s happened in our culture? If we look back 50 years,
the divorce stats are not nearly that high. What’s changed? We can point to
many factors, but I believe that our societal views of marriage play a
significant role.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Recently, I watched <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/17/sabrina-thompson-marriage-is-project_n_3942190.html"><span class="Hyperlink1">a video</span></a> that highlighted successful marriages, most
of which had lasted more than 30 years.
It was frankly adorable (if I can be sappy for a moment) to see couples’
wedding pictures and then current pictures showing them much older yet still
very much in love. The comments that followed the video were what I would
expect. Most talked about how sweet the video was and how refreshing to see
great examples. There were a few comments, however, that surprised me:<o:p></o:p></div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li>The reality of marriage is perpetual disarray and boredom.</li>
<li>I have been married four times and was gloriously happy for
the first three to four years. THEN the real deal began.</li>
<li>Whenever I hear of a long marriage, I think...there is
someone (or both) who has put up with a lot of pain and heartache. In most
cases, one member of the couple has tolerated things that most of us would not.</li>
<li><span style="line-height: 12pt;">Love is great but marriage is pointless.</span></li>
</ul>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 12.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Why might these individuals have reacted in such a way? What
might be holding them back from experiencing a great marriage? Again, I believe
it’s our expectation of marriage that’s key. So to each of the folks quoted
above, here are three truths about marriage that will impact your enjoyment of
and success in marriage.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in;">
</div>
<ol>
<li><b>You cannot control your spouse.</b>
I know. I know. This one ticks me off, too. Believe me, I’d like to
think I’m powerful enough to MAKE MY HUSBAND DO WHAT I WANT HIM TO DO. Not that
I’ve ever thought that way, of course, but I’ve heard that some people struggle
with it. Here’s the deal. The only person I can control is me. And frankly,
sometimes I have trouble with that! And while it may seem appealing to think
that I could control my spouse, is that really what is best? (Well, regarding
him picking up after himself, yes, but otherwise maybe not.) If I’m so focused
on my husband’s actions/attitudes/irritating habits, etc., then I’m not focused
on taking responsibility for my actions/attitudes/responses to his behavior. I
suppose the famous quote by a wise man sums it up: take the log out of your own
eye before you complain about the speck in your neighbor’s (or in this case,
spouse’s) eye. Now you may be saying, “You haven’t seen the log in my wife’s
eye.” You’re right. I haven’t. But I
have a good feeling she can see a rather large plank in your eye, if she looks
hard enough. If all of us would take responsibility for ourselves rather than
focusing on each other, we’d probably have far more peace in our relationships.</li>
<li><b>Your spouse won’t always make you happy. </b>Newsflash: All of the
Disney princess movies lied to us. Yep. Bald faced lies. All of them. There is
no way that one human being can be fully responsible for the happiness of
another. It’s just not possible. Now, does my husband make me happy? Yeah,
sometimes. He happens to be a really funny guy and we have great conversations
about spiritual things, politics, and sports. But I’ve found that his eyes will
glaze over if I start to talk to him about fashion for more than 15 minutes.
And he doesn’t want to shop endlessly, like I do. I have friends for that.
Expecting that my spouse will make me happy is essentially idolatry. It’s
expecting him to be more powerful than he really is; it is an expectation that
only God can fulfill. He could do everything right, and I could still have a
bad day at work or receive a snide comment from someone and BOOM! he’s failed. That’s completely unfair. My
happiness is my responsibility. It’s something that comes from within and as
I’ve seen, it’s often a choice. My choice.</li>
<li><b>Marriage takes work. </b>Perhaps
our “married four times” friend understood this truth, but I doubt it.
Unfortunately, many people think that if they just find the right person, then
marriage will be a breeze…or at least not painfully difficult. And then they’re
married for three or four years and “the real deal begins,” with the real deal
being that they can’t control their spouse and their spouse no longer makes
them happy. Welcome to marriage! While marriage can be fun, passionate, and
entertaining, it also takes a willingness to examine your own behavior and the
determination to live up to your vows. </li>
</ol>
So here I am at the end of this
article, and frankly, as I look back at these truths, I wonder, “Why get
married?” No, seriously! What’s the point? If I can’t get my way, my spouse
isn’t going to make me happy, and marriage takes a lot of work, why embark on
this pathway?” Think about that question for a minute.<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in;">
Here’s my answer: Yes, marriage is
worth it because the cost is worth the reward. So what’s the reward?
Companionship, passion, transformation of self, children, a legacy. Want to
know how I know that? I saw it on the face of my 94 year old grandfather when
he held his wife’s wrinkled but adoring face and kissed her.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<span class="”fullpost”"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11057747887075734438noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-61289921917238925292013-12-18T18:47:00.000-05:002013-12-18T18:47:04.690-05:00How to Have a Very Merry ScreamFree Christmas....Sort Of.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj8ISKHq32LerF02sSIRrwscLmnIY2VQGKKyNGf9zVh_rtm2UVtrxCpguQxROZ_mkBPHiUEW69JaJuL38bRwsMYecj6mclA-PL1zqrH4HrRoTtcERRyJplhK7ei1EsIhzKmKIJmi5uictg/s1600/festivus+newsletter+article.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="326" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj8ISKHq32LerF02sSIRrwscLmnIY2VQGKKyNGf9zVh_rtm2UVtrxCpguQxROZ_mkBPHiUEW69JaJuL38bRwsMYecj6mclA-PL1zqrH4HrRoTtcERRyJplhK7ei1EsIhzKmKIJmi5uictg/s640/festivus+newsletter+article.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<div class="Body">
With Christmas only a few days away I thought it would be a great
idea to give you a guide on how to stay calm during the time of year when all
is supposed to be merry and bright. With holiday parties and family gatherings
on your agenda sometimes we run into situations where we want to be anything
but ScreamFree. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Because I realize that in the days to come you might have the
urge to yell, scream or run away, I wanted to present you with a gift. I have
compiled a list of the most emotionally explosive powder kegs that you ar<!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shape
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</v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]-->e likely to
face and the ScreamFree response for each. If you <i>playfully</i> follow my advice, you too could have a very Merry
ScreamFree Christmas.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Here we go...<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>Situation #1 <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>Your spouse gives you a
Christmas gift that you know you will never use or wear. As a matter of fact,
you know that after today, this gift will never see the light of day again.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>The ScreamFree Response<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Hold the up the gift and say, “<i>Wow...a _______ </i>(insert name of item)<i>!” </i>Be really careful not to make this sentence sound like a
question. You want to be emphatic! <i>“Wow...
an Emergency Roadside Assistance Kit!” <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Then, look at them gingerly and say, “<i>I love you more and more each Christmas. Not because of the gifts, but
because of you.” <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
This way you honestly declare your love for them while ignoring
the hideousness of their gift.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>Situation #2 <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>You are at the annual
family/work Christmas party and the host is playing Christmas carols. The
problem is that they always play the really horrible carols like <i>Christmas Shoes</i> and <i>Santa Baby</i>.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>The ScreamFree Response<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Before arriving at the party stop by Target and go on a shopping
spree of Christmas CDs. Buy some really good music from Mariah Carey or Michael
Bublé. Maybe even some classics from Andy Williams or Bing Crosby. Stay away
from any music produced in the late 1990s from boy bands or female pop stars
that were under the age of 21. Just trust me on that one.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Wrap the music in a nice package and present it to the host
saying, “<i>I know how much you like
Christmas music and I though you might like these.”</i> After saying this, hand
over the gift and simply walk away. You might have to endure the bad playlist
at this year’s party, but the next one is only a year away. Hope is on the
horizon.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>Situation #3<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>You are newly married and
you discover that your spouse wants to open gifts on Christmas Eve and not
Christmas Day.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>The ScreamFree Response<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Calmly tell them that they are just plain wrong and then walk
away. Just kidding.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Playfully tell them, <i>“I
don’t see how we can open gifts before Santa Claus arrives. Everyone knows he
comes sometime between midnight and 5am on what is actually Christmas Day.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
This will probably invite them to get really serious with you and
begin bringing up something about family traditions and such. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
At this point say, <i>“I
understand, but I would love to begin a new tradition with you.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
This way you end up sounding sweet and understanding while
avoiding their original request. It works 87% of the time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<i>Special Note...<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<i>This is my attempt at a
little Holiday satire. It is in no way a real solution to some of the typical
issues that surround the Holidays. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<i>So here is a real piece of
advice. When it comes to any weird Holiday situation involving those you love
so dear, calmly and honestly represent yourself to your spouse, child or family
member. Your example of calm and honesty may be the greatest gift they could
ever receive.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<i>Merry Christmas.</i><span lang="en-US" style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: #0400; mso-bidi-language: X-NONE; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: #0400;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span class="”fullpost”"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06651235694847149617noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-25674412955029722782013-12-13T10:13:00.001-05:002013-12-13T10:13:58.431-05:00“Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word”<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Elton John sang it so
eloquently. It’s a sad, sad situation, but parents and married couples know
just how absurd it can become. Offering up a good, old-fashioned apology is one
of the most difficult things in all the world. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">As a parent, I’ll
admit it: I’ve done the forced apology thing. “Tell your sister you’re sorry.”
Countless parents have said this to countless kids over countless generations.
It’s one of the universal “go to” phrases we believe is guaranteed to help us
all get along. It means, let the other person know you regret what you did and
are willing to take the first step towards making things right again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Of course, anyone
with children knows that your child’s parentally enforced apology is sometimes
less than heartfelt. They stand there gazing at the floor, mumbling out the
words. And you know they wouldn’t be there at all if you weren’t making them.</span></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkBr5Cdi6tybJV7d-ZA5vZTfzvGAmKs-H1PSSA70NgRWLhZfWS7iS8T05m2ivqe0oNDtEsChKhyphenhyphenAApnjseb4glquG0nunRgNTqVgXw0ircGbJyyGAs2GRQy7bThOCsaDswPYtJY3Nx7AY/s1600/blog+post+12.13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkBr5Cdi6tybJV7d-ZA5vZTfzvGAmKs-H1PSSA70NgRWLhZfWS7iS8T05m2ivqe0oNDtEsChKhyphenhyphenAApnjseb4glquG0nunRgNTqVgXw0ircGbJyyGAs2GRQy7bThOCsaDswPYtJY3Nx7AY/s1600/blog+post+12.13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="288" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkBr5Cdi6tybJV7d-ZA5vZTfzvGAmKs-H1PSSA70NgRWLhZfWS7iS8T05m2ivqe0oNDtEsChKhyphenhyphenAApnjseb4glquG0nunRgNTqVgXw0ircGbJyyGAs2GRQy7bThOCsaDswPYtJY3Nx7AY/s320/blog+post+12.13.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Still, we believe
it’s a good thing for them to say so it must be a good thing for us to teach --
even if we do have to oversee it -- even if it lacks conviction. Perhaps, we
hope, the sentiment behind the words will eventually click into place. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">This was conventional
wisdom for centuries. One generation passed it down to the next and so on and
so on until we discovered that you could sell a lot of books under the premise
that everything you learned about parenting from your parents was completely
wrong, unhealthy, and psychologically damaging. Now we are convinced that
without any connection between internal remorse and external behavior, well,
words are just words. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">And I get it. I do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Ultimately, I don’t
just want my kids to apologize, I want them to want to apologize. I want them
to understand the impact their behavior has on others -- to know how their
actions have offended someone and to feel some sense of guilt over that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">But I wonder
sometimes: if we wait until all those dots get connected before we expect our
kids to say the words...we might be waiting a very long time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">I’ve seen this
phenomenon at work in marriages, too. Couples experience conflict, and I’ll
ask, “When’s the last time either of you apologized to the other?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Blank stares. Slow,
deep breaths. Math being done in their heads. Carry the one. Someone gets out a
calendar. When was the last leap year? You don’t have to be an expert to figure
out that apologies are as welcome as a root canal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">It wasn’t always this
way. Most married couples had conversations that involved apologies and
forgiveness. Once upon a time. Over time, though, someone stopped. The practice
ended and the impulse followed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">What if you did for
yourself what you do for your kids? Consider for a moment what might happen if
you told yourself, “Say you’re sorry. Stand up straight. Don’t look at the
floor. Speak up. Say it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">I think this might
help you have a more ScreamFree Marriage this holiday season. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Of course, our little
ones don’t often want to do this, and I understand why. They’re at the
beginning of their journey into the wide world of relationships. They don’t
fully grasp the value of words. They’re impulsive creatures who lack
self-discipline. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">But what’s your
excuse? Even when we know the apology is merited, mustering up the gumption to
utter that terrible phrase is difficult, and the longer we put it off the
harder it is to do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">I can almost hear
your rationalizations and justifications.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia Bold","serif";">“I didn’t do
anything wrong.” </span><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">What are you Mother
Teresa? Can we all just admit that we all do at least a little wrong every
single day of our lives? Nothing is ever all one person’s fault. If there’s
conflict in your marriage -- and there is -- you own some of it. Own it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Even if you think
your spouse should own most of it -- you own some of it. Even if it’s, say, a
60-30 split (with 10% being your kids’ fault) -- you could both say, “It’s not
all my fault.” But you each have something to apologize for. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">So own your part --
even if it’s a small part of the big mess -- even if you weren’t the one who
started it -- even if you were just defending yourself -- even if your spouse
knew she was pushing your buttons -- even if you think it’s just one-half of
one percent. Own it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">I know you probably
have a very good reason why you did what you did or said what you said. I know
that. But you also know that there’s something somewhere for which you should
apologize. Do it. It’s good for you. If you wait until you are completely
convinced that the problem is more than 50% your fault, well, when’s the next
leap year? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Here’s a harsh
reality: most people think they’re more innocent than they really are. We
believe we’re easier to get along with than we really are. We are convinced
that we’re the normal one, and, if only everyone else would get in synch with
us, then the world would be a much better place.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">But what if you’re wrong?
What if you’re not as pleasant as you think you are? What if the percentage of
the problem that rests on your shoulders is even a tiny bit higher than you
assume it is? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Odds are your spouse
thinks this is the case. Odds are an independent panel of objectives observers
would agree with your spouse. You probably own more of the problem than you
realize. Go ahead and apologize. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia Bold","serif";">“If I apologize,
he’ll think he’s right and I’m wrong.” </span><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Yes. He might. But is
that your goal here? To correctly identify who is more to blame than the other?
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">No. It’s not. At
least it shouldn’t be. Your goal here is to simply acknowledge the fact that
you own some of this. “I’m sorry I made fun of your hair. That was wrong.” “I
should not have yelled at you like that. I apologize. Please forgive me.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Note those specifics.
You focus on what you did -- not on what they did to make you do what you did.
If your spouse hears you apologize for what you did and comes to the
conclusion, “Finally! She’s admitting that everything that’s wrong in our
marriage -- heck, in the whole universe -- is all completely her fault!” then,
congratulations, you married an idiot. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Of course, he may do
a little bit of that at first, especially if you have a long history of
escalating conflicts into contests of who’s right and who’s wrong. If you’ve
made everything into a zero-sum game -- where in order for one person to win
the other person must lose -- it may take a while to adjust to the idea that my
apology only covers what I said or did. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Saying, “I’m sorry,”
is not the same as saying, “You were 100% right.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Over time even an
idiot should be able to figure this out. And, even if that never happens, at
least your apology may short-circuit the escalation of things. There’s a Jewish
proverb that says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” Most people find it
difficult to remain emotionally twisted up when someone expresses authentic
remorse. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">An honest and humble
apology alters the dynamics of the situation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia Bold","serif";">A Final Word</span><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">A fundamental
principle of human nature is this: if you want someone to act a certain way
towards you, begin acting that way towards them. If you’d like someone to be
friendly towards you, be friendly towards them. If you want them to compliment
you, compliment them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB3vjYG-9qONKnu_ktMeqoTtCOiVaVbALH1fJgvwcERHJrcw68IuYfUE3f8xnbyvCUF1sjcdCAdXvkFqoAL3S9plFymBiPNcsHBSBbAZha8TxGYcH34HsDOgiqaQa6lMX5SzRAYPAyd8w/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB3vjYG-9qONKnu_ktMeqoTtCOiVaVbALH1fJgvwcERHJrcw68IuYfUE3f8xnbyvCUF1sjcdCAdXvkFqoAL3S9plFymBiPNcsHBSBbAZha8TxGYcH34HsDOgiqaQa6lMX5SzRAYPAyd8w/s1600/images.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">If you want to hear
an apology, apologize. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">It may not work. But
what you’ve been doing...how’s that been working for you? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">As you continue to
apologize appropriately and authentically, you may show your spouse that
apologies are not signs of weakness. The ratio may continue to feel out of
balance, but I bet you’ll feel closer to your spouse than you do now. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">There’s something
mysterious about apologizing. There’s something in the very words, and the act
of humility -- imperfect as the intention may be -- required to get them out of
your mouth, that can improve your relationship. An apology -- even a
less-than-completely-heartfelt one -- has the power not only to end an
argument, but to heal and change the person who utters it, however grudgingly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">You don’t have to
feel like doing something in order to do it. Sometimes you have to do the thing
for the feelings to come. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Sorry very well may
be the hardest word. It’s not easy to swallow your pride, to maintain your
integrity, to be honest with the people who are closest to you (they’re the
ones who can hurt you the most). But there’s bad hard and there’s good hard.
There’s the hard stuff that turns you into the person you want to be. Hard
stuff that makes you stronger and creates the kind of relationship you deeply desire.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Sorry definitely
falls into that category. </span><span lang="en-US" style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: #0400; mso-bidi-language: X-NONE; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: #0400;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"><br /></span></div>
<span class="”fullpost”"></span>john alan turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03065084395340701275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-8285000689531195512013-12-07T10:52:00.000-05:002013-12-07T10:52:13.571-05:00Avoiding an Attention-Deficit Christmas<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">“My life feels like a
river that has overrun its banks -- oozing sideways in unmanageable and
unpredictable ways, rather than flowing steadily forward in a single
direction.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">I wrote that in my
journal a few years ago, and I found it recently while going through some boxes
in my garage. It seemed like I was writing it down as a way to force myself to
confront the issue, but I realized as soon as I read it that things haven’t
gotten any better. If anything, as the dad of three “tweenaged” daughters, it’s
gotten worse. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Busy. Scattered.
Messy. Fast. Unpredictable. Welcome to the warp-speed life of a modern
43-year-old husband, father, author, coach, friend, son, brother, man.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">In many ways, life
today resembles the world of attention deficit disorder, or ADD. Think about
the energy, excitement and excess of life -- its quest for novelty and newness
-- its chaos and confusion. Consider the ever-increasing hurricane of data.
Life for many of us has become a constant state of adaptation, irreverence and
incoherence. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Our world has ADD.<a href="file:///C:/Users/JP/Dropbox/ScreamFree%20(1)/Editorial%20Calendars/Final%20Weeks/ADD%20Christmas-%2012.7%20blog%20post.doc#_ftn1" name="_ftnref1" title=""><sup><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><sup><span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt;">[1]</span></sup><!--[endif]--></sup></a> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">I understand that
Attention Deficit Disorder is a medical term, but I think it’s become an apt
metaphor for modern life, offering a model and a guide for what’s happening
today in a world where we are living a kind of life never lived before. There
was a time when the symptoms of ADD described a few folks, but now it seems to
describe everyone I know. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeGxWm6n9cbkMKbHpgdbmDR3o4wJ0pGdq0ggMiizWggWxY8BRDrqPnLD4FocmjRw5S8LKycKoBY-R_a3UMWbbO9MeBWw5QmG3Tav_BOQf63JlwkGORMqVeSE_GiUrvp7pJH7Mtwcz-nmo/s1600/holiday-stress-2011.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeGxWm6n9cbkMKbHpgdbmDR3o4wJ0pGdq0ggMiizWggWxY8BRDrqPnLD4FocmjRw5S8LKycKoBY-R_a3UMWbbO9MeBWw5QmG3Tav_BOQf63JlwkGORMqVeSE_GiUrvp7pJH7Mtwcz-nmo/s320/holiday-stress-2011.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">People with ADD rush
around a lot, getting very little done. They feel impatient and are easily
frustrated. They lose their train of thought. They get distracted by something new and shiny. They have so much energy they cannot contain themselves, but
they struggle to pay attention to one thing for more than a few minutes. They
have big ideas but can’t execute them. They have a hard time finishing what
they start. They multitask, but never actually accomplish anything. They make
impulsive and rash decisions because their brains are chronically overloaded
and overstimulated. They often end up feeling overwhelmed and powerless to
combat the piles of stuff accumulating around them. They resolve to do better
tomorrow. They are busy but unproductive -- which may be the most frustrating
feeling in all the world. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Now you tell me: does
that paragraph feel a little familiar? Anyone else feel like just getting
through the day is harder than riding a unicycle while juggling helium balloons
and eating a sandwich? And it only gets worse around this time of year! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">You may be led to
believe that you have ADD now, but you may, in fact, merely have a severe case
of modern life. This may be why you feel too hurried to do what matters most,
why you can’t take time to stop and think. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">It could be, however,
that the same techniques people use to manage ADD could help us understand how
to navigate our way through the world in which we live -- a world that
threatens to press us into a pattern of crazy busyness. It’s time to recapture
life, to take back the time seems to evaporate and regain the sense of control
you’ve inadvertently given away. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">As strange as this
sounds, it is our desire for control that often causes us to lose it. By trying
to control as much of life as possible, you can make yourself crazy -- losing
control in the process. You can feel like a spoon surrounded by a circle of a
dozen powerful magnets. Pulled in every direction simultaneously, you go
nowhere but begin to vibrate faster and faster and faster until you begin to
spin aimlessly on your axis. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Some people are too
busy because they feel the need to respond to every magnet: keeping track of
too many things, processing too much information, responding to too many emails
and voicemails and texts and tweets and Facebook messages -- all out of a sense
that this is how we must live in order to keep up and maintain control. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">But you’re not in
control; the magnets are. We no longer control our handheld electronic devices;
they control us. They chirp; we jump. Same with our material possessions, our
kids’ grades, even our toys. The laundry, the dry cleaning, the oil change, the
breaking news, the holiday shopping. Our vacations are not restful, and our
hobbies are not refreshing. We’ve all but given away our free time -- the time
that is supposed to be free. We have no time to do nothing, to breathe, to
pause, to reflect. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">I’m not talking about
returning to the “good, old days” -- but we have to figure out how to keep
modern life from stealing from us what’s good and life-building. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Modern life gives us
the illusion that we can be everywhere and do everything. But, at some point in
time, we must accept the fact that we can’t track everything. We’ll never be
able to control every variable. It is foolish to even try. If we could summon
the strength to give up trying, then we could demagnetize the things around us
and stop vibrating and spinning in place. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">When we stop trying
to control and react to everyone and everything, we regain the ability to focus
on the only thing we can truly control: ourselves. Then, and only then, can we
control enough of life to appreciate what we have. Then, and only then, can we
find joy and peace in spite of our circumstances. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">More than 250 years
ago, Samuel Johnson spoke of “the stability of truth.” Counterintuitively, that
“stability” comes with the acceptance of instability -- when we acknowledge the
inevitability to change and learn to adapt to it by reclaiming control of
ourselves and our own emotional reactivity. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">This is not simply
the wisdom of some long-forgotten sage. It is just common sense. Warren Buffett
knows how foolish it is to follow each stock he owns minute-by-minute. He makes
his picks, and then he waits. He relinquishes control of the day-to-day ups and
downs and lets the stock do the work. He gives control to the company he felt
good enough about to invest in it in the first place. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Consequently, Warren
Buffett has the bandwidth he needs to think clearly. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Of course, there are
many practical concerns that keep us busy. We’ve got kids to get to soccer
practice and dry cleaning to pick up and dinner to buy and prepare and eat and
clean up after. The bathroom doesn’t clean itself, nor does the lawn mow
itself. The car needs an oil change, and there’s that project at work. And
don’t forget about the office party next weekend. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">But behind and
beneath many of these projects clamoring for our attention lies one, simple
fact that few of us care to admit: we stay busy so we can avoid looking into
the abyss. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Few of us are
comfortable enough to contemplate the contents of that long, dark corridor that
leads to the one thing that stares each of us in the face: our own mortality. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Sure, everyone once
in a while something happens that forces us to confront the inevitable reality
of death. Someone dies too young. A tornado touches down. A terrible choice
brings awful consequences. But most of the time we manage to avert our gaze
from all that unpleasantness by watching the new fall lineup on TV. We keep
busy with our fantasy football leagues and reality shows and anything else we
can think of to warm us with feelings of power, productivity and progress. We
feed the illusion that we can defeat death, that ultimate confounder of our
control. We stay busy to look away from loss, tragedy and pain. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">But, in the end, you
know death is going to win. All the activity you generate can’t bring back one
person from the other side. This is perhaps the most difficult truth for modern
men and women to embrace. Acceptance -- not busyness -- brings us to a peaceful
place. When we accept our lack of absolute control, when we accept the
inevitability of our own mortality, when we acknowledge our place in the grand
scheme of things, we gain the fullest life possible and the amount of control
we were meant to have. </span><span lang="en-US" style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: #0400; mso-bidi-language: X-NONE; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: #0400;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
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<a href="file:///C:/Users/JP/Dropbox/ScreamFree%20(1)/Editorial%20Calendars/Final%20Weeks/ADD%20Christmas-%2012.7%20blog%20post.doc#_ftnref1" name="_ftn1" title=""><sup><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><sup><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "ヒラギノ角ゴ Pro W3"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[1]</span></sup><!--[endif]--></sup></a>
I am indebted to Dr. Edward M. Hallowell for this idea. I highly recommend his
book <i>Crazy Busy </i>(Ballentine Books,
2006).<span lang="en-US" style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-ansi-language: #0400; mso-bidi-language: X-NONE; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: #0400;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="”fullpost”"></span>john alan turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03065084395340701275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-23505896913187770422013-11-19T17:23:00.001-05:002013-11-19T17:23:23.807-05:00Ask the Expert: Homework... You can't make me!<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<b>Question</b>: I have a 6<sup>th</sup> grade son who is in
gifted classes, and recently he has decided that he doesn’t want to do the
work. In fact, he told me, “I don’t want to be in the gifted class; I don’t
want to do the work, and <i>you can’t make
me</i>.” He’s smart, and he’s driving me crazy! Help!!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Response:</b> First of all, let me say that I feel my own
blood pressure rising just thinking about this scenario, so I can sympathize
that this is one of those situations in which you want to intervene and intervene
swiftly and victoriously! After all, who likes seeing good talent wasted? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yet, even though I agree that you are justified in feeling
frustrated, the first and most important thing you can do is calm yourself and
your own anxiety about him doing poorly or failing, and here’s why:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
</div>
<ol>
<li><b>The more you push on this issue, the more likely he will resist</b>,
and his resistance will probably come in the form of slacking off even more.
He’ll see how passionate you are about his homework and decide that he doesn’t
need to be passionate at all, OR he’ll see this as an opportunity to exert some
control over his own life. He’ll see it as a power struggle and the more you
pull, the harder he will pull in the opposite direction. As you back off, you
allow him to take responsibility for his own actions and focus on his own
desires rather than concern himself with what you think/feel about it.</li>
<li><b>This is the time to let him fail.</b>
Now I know that this statement is anxiety producing, but let me explain.
From a purely academic perspective, his grades don’t really count yet. When he
enters high school, his grades have an impact on his ability to get into the
college of his choice, but right now, they don’t. So if there’s a time for him
to experience the consequences of bad choices with the least long term effect,
now would be that time.</li>
<li><b>Let the consequences do the screaming</b>. This principle says it all—let the <i>consequences</i> do the screaming. Once
you’ve calmed yourself, it’s important to think through what would be an
appropriate consequence for failing to do homework. This is best done <i>before</i> you actually need to implement it—not in the heat of the
moment. And it can even be presented before it becomes necessary. For instance,
“You can watch TV after your homework is done.” Do you notice how non
confrontational that sounds? Very different from, “You can’t watch any TV
unless your homework is done.” A slight change, but the tone is more positive,
it invites less resistance, and even sounds like a reward. One more comment on consequences…sometimes
it’s tempting to pile on consequences, especially when your child starts to dig
in his heels. Unfortunately that tends to backfire, so if you see yourself
taking away every privilege and good thing in your child’s life, slow down.
Take a pause. Mentally switch places with your child and ask yourself what it’s
like from his position. Then have a talk with him, a respectful, not dogmatic
talk. Maybe you’ll discover he really doesn’t like Language Arts or he doesn’t
get along with his teacher or he’s distracted by a girl in his class. </li>
</ol>
Middle school, as you know and
probably remember from your own experience, is a time of transition—good
transitions and painful ones. The more you can seek to develop your
relationship with your son, the better you will both be able to tackle these
challenges. Enjoy him. Find ways to balance the business side of parenting
(supervising homework, dishing out consequences, managing the home schedule)
with the nurturing/fun side of parenting. Give him opportunities to make more
of his own decisions. So many kids at this age are seeking to expand their
influence and wanting to manage more of their own lives. Give him those
opportunities and as you do so, encourage him, praising his efforts.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And if none of these ideas help, just do his homework for
him.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
(You know I’m kidding, right?)<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11057747887075734438noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-63562741552387595272013-11-19T17:23:00.000-05:002013-11-19T17:32:03.709-05:00Lunatic DNA<div class="MsoNormal">
I admit I’m a bit of an addict when it comes to taking
pictures, especially pictures of my kids. And I know I’m not alone. I’ve seen
the <s>dozens</s> hundreds of pictures you post on Facebook, too. We love our kids and we want to show them to
the world. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, before the days of Facebook and even before the
glorious days of digital cameras, I took my kids to JC Penney or the Picture
People to have their pictures taken. Now that was always a big occasion,
marking a major milestone in their lives—3 months old, 6 months, 9 months, 12
months, 18 months, and then I promise I slowed down to yearly pictures. Well,
maybe. Anyway, these pictures were SUPER important to me as I liked to see my
kids’ growth and remember how cute they were at all their stages of life. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[Insert my shameless promotion of my cute kids at various
stages.]<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEHpUeDGVDWJuTkBDxPFqS8QrXtMcUHl1l6d874TaGcuQ7kTbWYRm_Pb4hlpblkVITs0t1R2H-KgSVRYnyd-axVSvEIGB0iXJEgEV3_Z7Ot2NM0FSi_ekTFsVr-PpnE0pAbPEjygSM90Q/s1600/baby+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEHpUeDGVDWJuTkBDxPFqS8QrXtMcUHl1l6d874TaGcuQ7kTbWYRm_Pb4hlpblkVITs0t1R2H-KgSVRYnyd-axVSvEIGB0iXJEgEV3_Z7Ot2NM0FSi_ekTFsVr-PpnE0pAbPEjygSM90Q/s200/baby+1.jpg" width="158" /></a> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7OuwN7YMG38PpMuybdJgkt1RFPue9LlS-G6i-ktmthlMW1ddQqpwfAZvYJ2fd9-vx8qap6_bL73pMT6GmFYXRaVKavKH-arbvlrUGaCFZDN99R4zrsvagMY9uYAKv3QMfsC67p7JMcyE/s1600/baby+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7OuwN7YMG38PpMuybdJgkt1RFPue9LlS-G6i-ktmthlMW1ddQqpwfAZvYJ2fd9-vx8qap6_bL73pMT6GmFYXRaVKavKH-arbvlrUGaCFZDN99R4zrsvagMY9uYAKv3QMfsC67p7JMcyE/s200/baby+2.png" width="153" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1G5fOUWEjFoyUijMnKlQ7OiPahOYRiDMM-PrrBW3CTopHEEYFWCbMdRUzDQsTpCTry6KuT0pgjL-veH7IAaOS62YxDqBlseqLuFYLthxYDU1Kjjaj-sxIVS-I0shK7VprnTE4HKMcMvA/s1600/baby+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1G5fOUWEjFoyUijMnKlQ7OiPahOYRiDMM-PrrBW3CTopHEEYFWCbMdRUzDQsTpCTry6KuT0pgjL-veH7IAaOS62YxDqBlseqLuFYLthxYDU1Kjjaj-sxIVS-I0shK7VprnTE4HKMcMvA/s200/baby+3.jpg" width="141" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
To say picture day was all fun would be like saying a trip
to the dentist is a joyous event. It was stressful, as in everyone needed to
look just right—hair in place, clothes neatly pressed, etc. Yes, I captured the
everyday look of my kids, too—including faces covered in butt cream (yes, I can
prove it, if you want), and still in pjs at 4 pm—but these were the special
pictures, the ones we would hang on the wall.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So the day arrived for the kids’ pictures to be taken.
Graham had just turned 4 and Reeve was 18 months old. My little Hannah was only
6 weeks old, so she was mainly along for the ride, although she did make her
debut.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The morning started
as any morning would with cereal and Dora. Then I proceeded to get the kids
ready, with Graham leading the way. After gelling up his adorable red, curly hair
and putting him in his picture-perfect outfit, I did quite possibly the
stupidest thing I could have done. I sent him outside to play with these
words: <i>Don’t get dirty</i>. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know. I know. Famous last words to a four year old boy. I’m
going to blame my insanity on being a sleep-deprived, post-partum mama. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I proceeded to dress the other two only to see Graham walk
back into the house a few minutes later---with RED GEORGIA CLAY PLASTERED ON
HIS SHIRT.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My response was…well, let’s just say it was on par with a
two year old. Not only was I screaming at him, but I was jumping up and down to
really drive home my point. I had clearly communicated he was not to get dirty.
What was wrong with him? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Never mind the fact that <i>I,
myself, had sent the boy outside .<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now let me ask you something: When I was doing my little crazy, screaming
dance, which of the following do you think was going through Graham’s head—<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->1.<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Oh man! I really should have obeyed my mom. What
was I thinking?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->2.<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Oh man! I have half the DNA of this lunatic
woman!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yeah. More than likely he was focused on my behavior and not
his own. And that’s what happens when we do not remain calm but we lose all
control. We prohibit our kids from learning from their own behavior. We invite
them to focus on us and not themselves. But when we calm ourselves down, we
free our kids to focus on themselves and take responsibility for their own
behavior.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And isn’t that what we want? Don’t we want them to learn
from their mistakes? To evaluate their own behavior? To learn to self-regulate
rather than always depending on us for feedback about their behavior? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Speaking of self-regulating…sometimes we, the parents, need
to be reminded to control our own behavior rather than allowing ourselves to be
so focused on our kids’ behavior. We
need to evaluate whether or not we are acting like an adult or a two year old.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlexoh0WjPevxHYsS_gZcZvGI5ipFKuJugWjdRHrGYF71eI91JTvZIziS-0t5LdiXCnxrEfk1UoZr4b1-5ev-8FdhLcmYKXf7YspBXKfwkdJpBBje0YN-Pw5z5JteJeEe2Dgf0rE8v9dY/s1600/all+babies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlexoh0WjPevxHYsS_gZcZvGI5ipFKuJugWjdRHrGYF71eI91JTvZIziS-0t5LdiXCnxrEfk1UoZr4b1-5ev-8FdhLcmYKXf7YspBXKfwkdJpBBje0YN-Pw5z5JteJeEe2Dgf0rE8v9dY/s320/all+babies.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And sometimes we realize that we’ve overreacted. Note the
picture. Do you see the red Georgia clay? Yeah, me neither. That’s because the
clay is on the shirt UNDERNEATH the vest. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And sadly, this lunatic mom knew all along the red clay
would not be seen. Ah, the beauty of learning to grow up!<o:p></o:p></div>
<span class="”fullpost”"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11057747887075734438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-382515865204211752013-11-15T11:00:00.000-05:002013-11-15T11:00:03.793-05:00The More We Protect, The Less We PrepareI have to admit I’m not in my
happiest of places these days—I’m in my “writing mode.” Or, as my literature
teacher wife would call it, “The Winter of Our Discontent.” See, I’ve recently
begun writing my next book, tentatively titled “Launching Hope.” It’s an effort
to help parents lead their adolescents into productive adulthood, and if this
book creation experience is anything like the two previous, then my family can
expect several months of moodiness, challenging fits of emotional reactivity, and
alternating bouts of exhilarated hope and desperate doubts about the future.
Kinda like adolescence itself. (Without the acne, I hope).<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFJwmvyJpOXBVOmXpKQYYso_JPAdV1dnqqi-ImEHkJXniYdS3FcM1VeLG4CKlU6YojL19UFZ3r30ufBD2Mae72G1vPdTukzUAdHqrEV0zPKAYDtbfHg4k_Sg2DG6ph-ZP79hv2dAO29rY/s1600/7537f457e82d0bf744731a60ecc47321.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFJwmvyJpOXBVOmXpKQYYso_JPAdV1dnqqi-ImEHkJXniYdS3FcM1VeLG4CKlU6YojL19UFZ3r30ufBD2Mae72G1vPdTukzUAdHqrEV0zPKAYDtbfHg4k_Sg2DG6ph-ZP79hv2dAO29rY/s400/7537f457e82d0bf744731a60ecc47321.jpg" title="" width="265" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by tfg photography</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">One of the themes of the book is (or,
will be, I should say) about how much of the angst of adolescence, for both
teens and their parents, stems from a shared misunderstanding of the whole
phase itself. And of each other. What far too many families are experiencing is
a dreaded tug-of-war, with kids struggling to be older too soon, and parents
wanting kids to be younger for too long. What ends up happening is the worst of
all ironies: young adults ill-equipped to move on, and parents wondering if
they will ever move out.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I have had the pleasure of working
with teenagers and their parents, in various capacities, for about 20 years. And
during those years as a marriage and family therapist, high school teacher,
youth minister, and speaker, I have seen countless examples of parents who,
thankfully, did things differently. These different folks did not see their
kids as just kids. They saw their offspring as apprenticing adults, designed to
grow up and go out, and therefore, these parents believed it was their job as
parents to train these kids to do just that.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">The starkest example of this
visionary parenting I ever encountered occurred years before I ever became a
therapist. It did not involve a family I knew or had the pleasure to watch
develop over the years. But I now believe it has had more influence on shaping
my own thoughts about parenting, particularly leading teenagers into adulthood,
than any other personal, professional, or educational experience.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">That fateful day was some 16 years
ago, and it occurred during my brief stint as a youth minister working with
teens in a church in California. I was leading a caravan of parents and
teenagers back up “the 5” from Los Angeles to the Bay Area. My wife Jenny was
in the car with me, along with our then one-year-old daughter, Hannah. We had
all just spent a couple of long days at Disneyland, and we were all exhaustedly
heading home. About midway through the drive, it became clear that we weren’t
the only ones exhausted that day.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">While cruising at 70mph, I noticed
an SUV, a few cars in front of us, starting to drift left towards the center
rail. This drift must have awakened, or at least startled, the driver into
action, because suddenly the SUV swerved hard to the right. It was an obvious
overcorrection, for the vehicle zoomed across the freeway, lost complete
control, and started flipping violently onto the side of the road. This
instantly created a huge cloud of dust, but through it all I could see debris
flying everywhere out of the vehicle. I could also see all the cars around us
coming to a tire-shrieking stop. This was a serious accident, and we all needed
to help.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Mine was the second car on the
scene. I urged Jenny to stay in the car with Hannah. I rushed over there,
anticipating God knows what. A few of our teens and parents came out from the
cars behind me. It was one of those movie scenes where all these people are
running to assist, until they actually get close to the action. Then everyone
involuntarily slows down as they view the horror.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">One woman had been thrown from the
vehicle, her body convulsing on the ground. It seemed obvious she was dying.
There were conscious cries for help coming from inside the Jeep, along with a
screaming baby. Various automobile fluids were spreading out in every
direction, and, I hate to say it, some bodily fluids as well. The smells were
just as active, and disorienting. Everything I sensed was slowing my
progression toward the scene, despite my desires to help. This was the case
with all the other well-meaning witnesses, as well.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Except for three.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I mentioned mine was the second car
on the scene. Ahead of me was a station wagon that pulled off ahead of the
crash. Flying out of that car was a man and his two teenaged sons. Unlike the
rest of us, there was no slow down in their approach. Not even from the two
boys, whom I later found out were 16 and 13. No, what I noticed was that these
three actually seemed to be speeding up as they discerned the severity of the
accident.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">And I noticed something else: the
father had a large emergency kit in his hand, and all three were in the process
of putting on white latex gloves. Apparently this man was a professional EMT,
one who just happened to be at the right place at the right time. This became
obvious as we all eventually reached the carnage.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">In a remarkable display of
leadership, this father was quickly taking charge of everyone’s desires to
help. He gave each of us some basic instructions:</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">You, sir, go check on the woman on
the ground. Don’t move her at all, just touch
her neck with your two fingers, and yell out to me if she’s breathing. You, there, tell me if you see any active
gasoline leaks coming from the underside
of the vehicle. You (he was now looking at me), come with us.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">“Us” meant the dad and his boys,
and we all headed to the inside of the crashed SUV. Or, I should say, the three
of them led me there. This is because what the dad and his boys began to
demonstrate was a remarkable teamwork, which created such a compelling
competence that I actually felt somewhat comfortable with the invitation.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Inside the SUV were three people:
the driver, knocked unconscious; a large woman in the backseat, screaming in
pain; and, most distressingly, a baby in a car seat, screaming even louder. I
was, of course, struck dumbfounded by the scene. But I was not allowed to stay
there in shock. See, as the dad checked on the baby, he started communicating
to his sons in very calm, very clear professional terms:</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Okay, Steven (the 13-year-old),
place your two fingers on the driver’s carotidartery. Check to make sure her trachea is not resting directly on the steering wheel. Okay, Michael (the 16-year-old),
you and the man next to you (me) need
to see if you can supinate that woman’s foot, so her leg can release from underneath the seat. Be careful,
she’s got a compound fracture of her right femur.</span><br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Then, after responding with a clear “yes, sir,” Michael
began to lead me the same way as his father:<br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Sir, could you move to her anterior
side and hold her hand while I turn her foot?
Be careful of her leg, sir, she’s in a lot of pain. Okay, that’s good. Don’t worry about her screaming, sir; it means
she’s not going into shock.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">On it went. Needless to say, I was
out of my element. But thanks to a sixteen-year-old’s calm (and calming)
instruction, we were actually able to help pry the woman from the seat, and
eventually the car. She was in bad shape, but okay. And thanks to the dad’s
leadership (and a fantastic car seat!), the baby was removed unharmed; just
some glass in her hair. The driver was eventually revived as well.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">As the ambulance arrived, and the
teams of emergency professionals relieved us of our duties, I actually felt genuinely
helpful. I could almost understand the appeal of being a first responder.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">But I was not the story. This
father and his two sons were the story. Here was a man who, most likely, spent
the better part of his days dealing with the very worst life has to offer. Accidents,
violence, blood, death. As a therapist, I’ve worked with a number of first
responders, and the things they wish they could un-see far outnumber what any
human should. But this was a dad who did not want to shield his boys from all
this horror; he actually wanted to strategically expose them to it. This father
did not want to protect his children from the real world all its potential
ugliness; he actually wanted to prepare them for it.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">And prepared these two boys were.
Michael and Steven were in no way shocked by this scene in the California
desert, they were compelled by it. These teenagers were in no way unprepared to
handle this crisis of life; they were actually leading other adults through it.
Lives were saved because of it.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Lives were changed as well. Mine,
in particular. No, I didn’t go home and write some manifesto on the virtues of
preparing our teens for life (that’s what I’m trying to do here, some 16 years
later). But I have to say that walking and working through such an ordeal, and
witnessing such a profound model of parental leadership, has undoubtedly
affected the way I try to lead my kids into adulthood, and teach others to do
the same.</span><br />
<br />
So, what is
that “way” of parenting? I’ll let you know as I continue writing…</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment--><span class="”fullpost”"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07480054494186719905noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-13217634319888179202013-11-14T09:30:00.000-05:002013-11-14T09:30:00.190-05:00A Stone-Age Way of Life<!--[if !mso]>
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<br />
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I am a cartoon guy.
Always have been. Always will be. I guess it is the fantasy and escapism that
sort of draws me in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">As a child two of my
favorite cartoons were <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Flintstones
and The Jetsons</i>. I assume you are aware of these two shows. If you are, you
know that they are based upon two families that live in different eras—one in
the stone ages (Flintstones) and the other some time in the future (Jetsons).
The futuristic <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jetsons</i> was the one,
however that made me hope, dream and imagine—imagine what the future would be
like in the far away <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">2000s.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinVU35O3_hKE9Q8HdPyKMYSekikRm2CijH1SiTow1gpwqvlEPZNSzH_TX5tk6PWNhTL5uPF8KILg2nurBp_EcwDVK5bhefBB1CZqvBThgUcezfaabiQ4V7Deopg2M8hLi-0ezTWSEyMsXJ/s1600/Untitled1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinVU35O3_hKE9Q8HdPyKMYSekikRm2CijH1SiTow1gpwqvlEPZNSzH_TX5tk6PWNhTL5uPF8KILg2nurBp_EcwDVK5bhefBB1CZqvBThgUcezfaabiQ4V7Deopg2M8hLi-0ezTWSEyMsXJ/s200/Untitled1.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The future always seemed
so bright. According to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Jetsons</i>,
we were going to have flying cars and homes in the sky. We had a lot to look
forward to. Gadgets and gizmos that were going to make life easier, all brought
to life by the time we reached the year 2000.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We are in year 13 of the
2000s and many of those anticipated</span><!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shape id="_x0000_s1026"
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</v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"> widgets are widely available for public
consumption. We can engage in a video chat session with people next door or in
another country. We carry around tiny computers called smartphones and have
larger versions of those <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do-hickeys</i>
called tablets. As comedian Louis C.K. says, “Everything is amazing!” Most of
the these inventions have something in common. They are designed either to
connect us or give us more time so that we can connect with those we love.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Think about it though. Do
you feel more connected today with your friends or family than you did, say 20
years ago? I know I don’t. I have fewer personal conversations with people even
though all of this great technology is at my fingertips. I am less connected.
We are less connected. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">From a familial
perspective that is concerning. I want to be around my wife and kids <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(most of the time</i>). I want to be woven
into the fabric of their lives, but many times I actually find myself buried
into one of my “futuristic” devices. You know, the ones that are supposed to
connect us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">A guy named Hal Runkel,
author of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ScreamFree Marriage</i>, says,
“We all crave connection.” We desire it in our marriages, with our kids, in our
extended family and in our communities. Nothing gives us fulfillment like a
connective relationship with someone else.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">In my heart, I desire a
return to a simpler time. A time when I didn’t choose to allow a tiny, little
device to morph into a huge barrier between me and my loved ones. If I were
going to be a cartoon character, I’d rather be Fred Flintstone than George
Jetson any day. Think about it, Fred spent time with his wife, kid and friends.
He had a social life. He belonged to Royal Order of Water-buffalos, for
goodness sake! He might have been mad all of the time, but dog-gone it, at
least he was around Wilma, Pebbles, Barney and Dino!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
George Jetson, on the
other hand, was always either at work, on his way to work or coming home from
work. What kind of life is that? Sure he had lots of cool stuff, but it looks
like he paid for it. Makes me wonder how daughter Judy and his boy Elroy turned
out. Not to mention Jane, his wife.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Some of us have a lot in
common with ol’ George.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We secretly wish,
however, that we could go back to a simpler time when personal connection was
part of our family’s DNA.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">You know what though...I
think we can have the best of both worlds. I believe we can enjoy what the “future”
has given us while holding on to the connection that we really crave.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Here are three ways we
can do so:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body" style="margin-left: 13.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 13.0pt; text-indent: -13.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Be
Present<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">When your spouse and kids
are around, make it your aim and goal to simply be present. It is not enough to
be in the room with them. Become involved with them. Talk, laugh and listen.
You will always have “something else” to do. Press pause and enjoy those you
love most.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body" style="margin-left: 13.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 13.0pt; text-indent: -13.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Be
Intentional<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I don’t know if anyone
has ever been successful in achieving the “work-life” balance. I don’t know if
it is even possible to achieve. Even though the goal may be out of our reach,
we still must strive to be intentional about how we spend our time if
connection is what we are after. This may mean making it a point to come home
from the office at a certain time or scheduling date nights once per month for
you and your spouse. We are only given so many hours in a day. We must be
intentional with how we use them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body" style="margin-left: 13.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 13.0pt; text-indent: -13.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Be
an Example<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Gandhi said, “Be the
change you wish to see in the world.” This oft quoted phrase epitomizes the
personal responsibility that we must take in order to create necessary changes
in our families. Once we decide to change our part of the “disconnected”
pattern in our families, we invite each member of the family to change as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">From this day forward,
let’s be intentionally mindful of what is really important. Connection. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Fred Flintstone got it
right. If only we had a Brontosaurus bone to chew on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--><span class="”fullpost”"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06651235694847149617noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-33832144297333059602013-10-15T09:59:00.000-04:002013-10-15T09:59:19.066-04:00Ask the Expert: Let the Consequences Do the Screaming<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>My kids won’t do anything I ask unless I scream at them. And they won’t stop doing anything unless I scream some more. How am I supposed to be ScreamFree and get my kids to behave?</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Sincerely, </i><br />
<i>Screaming in Seattle </i></blockquote>
First of all, being ScreamFree is not simply about lowering your volume; it’s about raising your integrity. But it is also about lowering your volume. This month, I want to talk about both.<br />
<br />
I suspect you weren’t always such a screamer. There was probably a time -- though you might have difficulty remembering back to the good ole days -- when you were calm, even when you had to discipline your children. But if words acted as your discipline, and not consequences, then those words probably began to lose their impact.<br />
<br />
The words you once used were no longer effective, so you began using different words, louder words -- perhaps even threatening words -- to get your point across. And now you’re seeing the result of all that. Your words have gotten louder and louder as they’ve been increasingly ignored.<br />
<br />
Think about this: you probably feel guilty about all the screaming, and it’s not getting you what you want. And yet you continue in the pattern. Nobody benefits. It sounds a little like addiction at this point. You need more and more of something to get the same effect.<br />
<br />
So, how do you stop?<br />
<br />
Two words: cold turkey. Stop screaming and return to your normal speaking volume.<br />
<br />
I know. I know. That’s easier screamed than said, but if you really want to get your kids to hear you when you speak softly, you must begin to speak softly again. Who knows? It may be such a shock to their systems that they’ll be stunned into listening. That quiet tone may work if only because it causes your children to wonder why all of a sudden you’re so calm. They may wonder what you’re up to. They may even feel sorry for you -- thinking it’s been so many years since you’ve spoken softly you may have finally cracked up.<br />
<br />
Of course, shock value is only going to get you so far. To get longterm listening, you’ll need to do something a little more. You’ll have to give your kids a reason to listen. In other words, it’ll have to be in their best interests to listen.<br />
<br />
How do you do that? You back up your quiet request with an equally quiet but incredibly clear statement of consequences for ignoring you. For example.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Empty the dishwasher, or you’ll sit on the couch with no screen time for 45 minutes.</li>
<li>Don’t text mean things to your sister, or you’ll lose your phone for a week.</li>
<li>Last one to put away their laundry has to fold all the towels.</li>
</ul>
<br />
This way, you don’t have to scream; you can let the consequences do the screaming for you!<br />
<br />
Will your kids ignore your quietly communicated requests? Probably. But over time they’ll come to discover that you actually mean what you softly say. You’ll recover your integrity and lower your volume -- all in one fell swoop!<br />
<br />
You don’t need volume to be taken seriously. If diplomacy should fail, you are perfectly willing to back up your rhetoric with action.<br />
<br />
So give these ideas a try. Okay? Did you hear me? <i>What did I just say?</i> I said give these ideas a try. Don’t make me say it again: GIVE THESE IDEAS A TRY! <b>HOW MANY TIMES AM I GOING TO HAVE TO TELL YOU GIVE THESE IDEAS A TRY?! </b><br />
<span class="”fullpost”"></span>john alan turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03065084395340701275noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-10174705522697768972013-10-14T14:30:00.000-04:002013-10-14T15:40:10.594-04:00The Impossibility of Leading Without Learning: How My Kid Taught Me How to Lead<span class="”fullpost”"></span><br />
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<br />
<div class="BodyA">
There he was, in the open field. His black cleats were gingerly,
but purposefully kicking his blue soccer ball. My son, looked focused and
determined to score his 2nd goal of his Under 5 (U5) soccer game. As I was
watching him sprint down the field using the “tiny kicks” that he had learned
in practice, I had mixed emotions. See, I was not only watching as his dad, but
as the coach of his team. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
I know how competitive my son can be. He had mentioned to me
many times during the game how badly he wanted to score another goal. I could
sense that he was willing to do <i>anything</i>
to accomplish this feat...<i>anything</i>. I
wondered if he had picked up on something in me, though. See, I am also the
ultra-competitive sort. I wanted to win this game, even though no one was
officially keeping score. I <i>was</i>
keeping track of the points in the game, however...in my head...and we were
losing!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfLbq1Djcej76Uh9iVDj4QdAo9mrH4g8WaJh3cZFumKPFMG0JDLNFjkVPyssJ9AMGedNQHTHIbZTUrNyvckIYkzVwHK-hI_TnBo3UHQt4kL7pWMPbpg79qk3LJFdjwp-FuK-eDptpfeAMa/s1600/soccer-coach_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfLbq1Djcej76Uh9iVDj4QdAo9mrH4g8WaJh3cZFumKPFMG0JDLNFjkVPyssJ9AMGedNQHTHIbZTUrNyvckIYkzVwHK-hI_TnBo3UHQt4kL7pWMPbpg79qk3LJFdjwp-FuK-eDptpfeAMa/s320/soccer-coach_large.jpg" width="320" /></a><o:p> </o:p></div>
<div class="BodyA">
As my son approached the goal, I noticed my anxiety spiking. You
would think that the competitor in me would appreciate this, but I didn’t. I <i>really</i> didn’t. This was because, my son,
all three feet—something of him, was barreling toward the <i>wrong</i> goal! Seconds later, he kicked the ball into the other team’s
net.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<b>Conflicted Pride<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
Can I be honest? At that moment both my thoughts and emotions
ran together. I was a little bothered on the inside. After all, this was the <i>coach’s</i> son for goodness sake. I felt
all the judgmental eyes of the other parents burning a hole through my body. I
assumed they were saying, <i>“What kind of
coach is this that his son scores in the wrong goal?”</i> I was so anxious, I
didn’t quite know what to do in the moment. Was I supposed to reprimand him?
Should I go into some sort of tirade and chase him down the field while giving
him a piece of my mind? Was I supposed to send a message that would resonate
with the other players? This is the way that some of the coaches that I watch
on TV respond. Some of them scream, yell, freak out, curse and throw things.
Truthfully, I felt like doing some of that, just to prove that I was a <i>good</i> coach.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
So, I ran on the field, my mouth about to shout the words, <i>“No, son!”</i> when I noticed something—my
son’s face. I couldn’t read his expression at first. My initial thought was
that my son was disappointed and that he realized he kicked the ball into the
wrong net, but then I discerned his expression signaled something else. He was
demonstrating a different emotion—pride. He was beaming! He was <i>actually</i> proud of himself!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
Upon noticing this newfound sense of fulfillment in my son, I
quickly stopped myself from screaming. I noticed that suddenly, the supposed
judgement of the other parents and my own winning agenda disappeared. Those
things didn’t matter anymore. The only thing that mattered in that moment was
the look on my son’s face. Instead of yelling, I put my hand up in the air and
he ran over to me and completed the “high-five.” I still had a responsibility
to him as his coach though. I needed to address the situation of kicking into
the other team’s goal, which I did. I said, <i>“Great
job. Next time I want you to try to kick the ball in the other goal.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
I was proud of my son—in some sort of twisted, Bizzaro-world
type of way. I was also proud of how I attempted to manage my own emotions.
Sure, I wish that I could have done a better job regulating my own anxiety, but
I am glad that I didn’t react the way in which my emotions were telling me to.
I had a ScreamFree coaching moment—which is honestly a bit ironic.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<b>Isn’t It Ironic...<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
I am a ScreamFree Certified Coach and a Marriage and Family
Therapist. I have the pleasure of working with people all over the world in an
effort to assist them in becoming a calmer, more connected parent, spouse and
leader. Together, the client and I work through a myriad of family situations
and scenarios as they seek to become the person they really want to be. With
the scenario of a child’s soccer game, however, I almost became the guy I
didn’t want to be—the screaming, yelling, pressure inducing coach and dad.
While seeking to lead, I almost cast my position into the water like a child
who tries to skip a stone.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
The greatest leaders of our generation tend to be the type of
people that can simply be calm in the midst of chaos, especially when the real
turmoil is taking place inside of them. Even some of the sporting world’s most
successful coaches share this peace-filled philosophy (think Tony Dungy and Don
Shula). The leaders with the greatest amount of influence stay true to who they
are while staying focused on the overall goal of the company, organization or
team—all while remaining calm. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
As parents, we are the first coaches and leaders our kids will
meet. We are also the ones that will exhibit the greatest amount of influence
over them, for our coaching extends throughout the years. How we choose to lead
them will not only affect them now, but far beyond our lifespan. With that
being said, we must ponder the type of leaders we want to be. Furthermore, we
must continue to ask ourselves if we are leading them out of our calm or from
our anxiety. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
During my son’s game I found myself leading him and the rest of
the boys out of my anxiety. This was because I had forgotten the purpose of the
game as well as my purpose as a coach—to have fun. My son’s expression helped
to refocus my attention to that which really mattered most. Once I was drawn
back to the present I could concentrate on being a ScreamFree Coach—one that
doesn’t need to scream, yell and berate players. One that can calmly focus upon
the objective of the game and his objective as a leader, to put players in a
position to meet their goals. In this case, my son’s goal was just to kick a
ball into a net, whichever one that happened to be. Way to go, son!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06651235694847149617noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-77369360278036485682013-09-23T11:00:00.000-04:002013-09-25T15:06:37.931-04:00Bullet Points for Life: Lessons to my children<ol>
<li>
Character matters more than money, smarts, and education. I would rather you be a person of integrity than the smartest, wealthiest person on earth.
</li>
<li>
Life is not fair. It stinks, but it really is true. There will be times when someone else gets the job you are more suited to or another guy/girl gets
the date you want. Sadly, that’s part of life. Don’t be surprised when these things happen, but instead, focus on your response to it. What can you
learn from it? Choose not to be bitter.
</li>
<li>
Just because a chocolate chip cookie really does make you feel better when you’re down, it doesn’t mean you should partake. Have a good relationship
with food. Don’t let it control you.
</li>
<li>
Be kind to the people who hold lesser positions in life, the people who are servers or have menial jobs. In fact, you should have one of those jobs
sometime in life to really appreciate the amount of work it involves. Don’t be so proud that you’d never take a job like that. The way that you treat
people in those jobs is very telling. When you start to date, notice how your date treats the waiter, the valet, pizza delivery guy, etc. If they are
rude or disrespectful to them, move on!
</li>
<li>
Be interested in others. Ask good questions. Don’t always try to be the center of attention. Be a good observer of people, and remember things that
people tell you about themselves.
</li>
<li>
Have a good handshake and look people in the eyes when you introduce yourself. Use their name when you meet them, so you can remember it!
</li>
<li>
Be willing to try new things—new foods, new experiences, new hobbies.
</li>
<li>
Laugh, laugh, and laugh some more. Try to find the humor in a situation. And when you do
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDCrvRGveEJNUo4K4oTqkykwhWaAkcdG182Cda38ziKGA8bqQsFnevUFgNoq7xYh3G_DH8Dn2eFdxHyt5ZBmeOTEIeA0YXnKiEJ20MntKAGeTvYRVkPoeX8HX6Uu3mnVTYF0lw1JRuunE/s1600/three-girls-laughing-baking-xl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDCrvRGveEJNUo4K4oTqkykwhWaAkcdG182Cda38ziKGA8bqQsFnevUFgNoq7xYh3G_DH8Dn2eFdxHyt5ZBmeOTEIeA0YXnKiEJ20MntKAGeTvYRVkPoeX8HX6Uu3mnVTYF0lw1JRuunE/s200/three-girls-laughing-baking-xl.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
something stupid, laugh at yourself. Don’t take yourself so seriously.
</li>
<li>
Marriage is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make Bullet Points for Life: Lessons to my children because your relationship with your
spouse colors every aspect of your life. Marriage takes work, and just because you have a rough spot in your marriage doesn’t mean you should give up.
Work through it because getting to the other side of a problem makes your relationship stronger. Continue to date your spouse; have fun together. Don’t
forget what brought you together, but realize that your relationship will grow and change.
</li>
<li>
Learn history—world history, Biblical history, American history, and our family history. Yes, I know it’s not always interesting in school, but there
is so much to learn—how God intervenes in people’s lives, how to avoid the mistakes others have made, why we are where we are today.
</li>
<li>
Show kindness to those who are different from you—the outcast, the one with special needs, the new kid in town, the elderly.
</li>
<li>
Be an encourager, not a discourager. The words we say cannot be un-said, so choose your words wisely. Our words can give life or death. Choose life.
</li>
<li>
Learn to do things yourself. Even if you have all the money in the world to call in an expert, if the toilet breaks, learn how to fix it. When the deck
needs painting, do it yourself. You’ll eventually learn which things you can do and which really do require an expert. As you know, your dad and I
stink at dry wall repair. J
</li>
<li>
Learn to be content. God’s Word says, “Contentment with godliness is great gain.” There will be times when you won’t have everything you want and
perhaps even be in need. Seek to be content. Ask yourself, “Do I have food, clothes, and shelter for today?” If the answer is yes, then you have
enough.
</li>
<li>
Be grateful. Practice eucharisteo—thankfulness. It’s not something just for the month of November. Slow down and notice all of the graces that God has
given—a baby’s belly laugh, warm sheets out of the dryer, sweet tea—and watch joy erupt in your life. Discontent arrives when we focus on what we don’t
have. Joy barrels into our lives when we notice what we do have.
</li>
<li>
Explore other cultures. Often we think that our own culture is the best, but that is so shallow. Even if you don’t like it all, look for the good in
another culture.
</li>
<li>
Seek to be balanced in life. Work hard, play hard, and rest. We are not slaves, so learn to rest and not feel guilty.
</li>
<li>
One of the most important things in life is learning to extend grace. Be one who is quick to apologize and quick to forgive. We are all sinners and in
need of grace. If you don’t believe me, when you have children, you’ll understand your own sinfulness.
</li>
<li>
Take care of your body. Eat well and exercise. You only get one body, so be a good steward.
</li>
<li>
Be authentic. Don’t try to be something you’re not. As someone once said, “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.”
</li>
<li>
Tell the truth. It’s far easier to be honest than to keep track of your lies.
</li>
<li>
Stay out of debt. I realize that it’s not always possible and sometimes life throws you curve balls, so if that happens, get out of debt as soon as
possible. Debt = slavery.
</li>
<li>
Find your passion. Discover the gifts that God has given you—both the skills (the things you’re good at) and the desires (the things you like). Try to
find a job that matches both—or create a job that uses both and it will never feel like a job.
</li>
<li>
Do all things with excellence, whether cleaning up after dinner or writing that presentation for school or work.
</li>
<li>
Above all, love God. Pursue Him. Spend time in prayer and studying His Word. And know that He loves you more than any of us can imagine.
</li>
</ol>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11057747887075734438noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-5535654707438375652013-09-16T14:00:00.000-04:002013-09-16T14:00:02.748-04:00Realizing I Didn’t Have as Much Control as I Thought<!--[if !mso]>
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<span style="font-family: Constantia;">Have you ever thought
about the end goal of parenting? What your primary purpose is as a parent? Do
you know where you’re headed?</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;">Look at Alice’s goal
(or lack thereof) in this dialogue from <i>Alice
in Wonderland</i>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQdzyc2khQWTCQbqEEKDBA8n5GzPfMicH8GNRayafspiru7bPlYouk9SYg5vue5oDJyfqm78bGPR8q8XGM002pskCQ6ZwjEqAPlGlW0c1DybtshJAMQFJjrtB9abVLAyyixECtMNbasJk/s1600/chesalic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQdzyc2khQWTCQbqEEKDBA8n5GzPfMicH8GNRayafspiru7bPlYouk9SYg5vue5oDJyfqm78bGPR8q8XGM002pskCQ6ZwjEqAPlGlW0c1DybtshJAMQFJjrtB9abVLAyyixECtMNbasJk/s200/chesalic.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Would you tell
me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" said Alice.<br />
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.<br />
"I don't much care where –" said Alice. <br />
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.<br />
"– so long as I get <i>somewhere</i>," Alice added as an
explanation.<br />
"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk
long enough."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“It doesn’t matter which way you go” if
you don’t know where you’re going. If we don’t seriously consider where we’re
headed as parents, we’ll likely end up anywhere—maybe some place good, maybe
bad. Because parenting is a 24/7 job, too many of us fly by the seat of our
pants without ever pondering what the goal of parenting is. We are too busy
changing diapers, wiping noses, packing lunches, chauffeuring to practices, and
helping with homework to ask ourselves where we are headed. As a result, we
don’t ask ourselves those tough questions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> What
is the end goal of parenting?<br />
What is my primary purpose as
a parent?<br />
What am I seeking to achieve?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Many of us, because we are simply
exhausted, will reply: “I’m just trying to make it through each day without one
of us dying.” OR “I’m just trying to make sure my kids get through high school (or
college) and then they’re on their own.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Unfortunately, just like Alice in
Wonderland, we’ll get somewhere just by walking (or parenting) but it may not
be where we want to be and our relationship with our kids may not be what we truly
desire.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Whether we realize it or not, here’s
our goal of parenting: We are <b><i>not</i></b> raising kids; we are raising
adults.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Think about that. We are raising
adults. That’s the end product of our years of parenting. So what is an adult?
It’s someone who is responsible for himself, takes care of his own needs, can
make good decisions, is considerate of others, provides for himself, and knows
how to manage himself around others. If we are raising adults, then we need to
have in mind the “end result” of our parenting. We need to picture them as
adults and then ask ourselves how we can help them get there. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When my kids leave my home, they need
to know how to take care of their own needs (cooking, cleaning, doing the
laundry, managing their money, etc.) They need to know how to relate to others
in healthy ways. If that’s the case, how do I ensure that TODAY they are
learning something that will better prepare them for that day when they leave
my nest?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I like to think of children as living
in worlds of concentric circles. As toddlers, they are in smaller circles, able
to do little bits of things independently. They can put on their own shoes and
help to put away their toys. As they get older, they can manage more of their
world, so their “circles” increase. They are able to manage their own hygiene,
do their own homework, and eventually drive a car. Over time, they should be
growing in their privileges and responsibilities, able to take on more and more
adult-like tasks as their sphere of influence increases.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjclmjxafTqnQcvdsGr2aHv1JwZHFCnY0X9A6Ccsq39vP6v7-3N8ybu_lg8Iu51cFL4zklVRvShJn7uFldE4n3JLsHSCMaBtKN5hfxh3AesdXWAaQPvcaKkwT__QtsJMPQ7Ld8rhDRoeWc/s1600/boy-doing-laundry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="182" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjclmjxafTqnQcvdsGr2aHv1JwZHFCnY0X9A6Ccsq39vP6v7-3N8ybu_lg8Iu51cFL4zklVRvShJn7uFldE4n3JLsHSCMaBtKN5hfxh3AesdXWAaQPvcaKkwT__QtsJMPQ7Ld8rhDRoeWc/s200/boy-doing-laundry.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;">So often, though, our
own impatience prevents us from allowing our kids to move towards independence.
Frankly, it’s easier to do things FOR them rather than take the time to teach
them how to do it themselves. At the same time, on an emotional level,
sometimes our own anxiety hinders their growth. We are afraid to see them fail,
so we act on their behalf. In the end, it’s a control issue. We think that we
know best, so we do FOR them what they can do for themselves and we rob them of
the chance to grow. Sometimes, in our parenting journey, we think we are in
control, but occasionally life gives us the opportunity to realize we aren’t,
and we get to watch our kids grow up just a little more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;">I had just such an
opportunity this summer. My kids flew solo to California to visit their
grandparents while I was out of the country. My husband was flying to see me at
the same time my kids were flying to Cali. Well, as fate would have it, all
flights were delayed, which caused them to miss their connecting flights. The
possibility that my children could spend the night alone in the Atlanta or
Chicago airport was high. I began getting texts and phone calls half a world
away about the delays, but I COULD DO NOTHING. Talk about anxiety producing!
Did I mention that there was nothing I could do? UGH!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;">It was now up to my 15 year old son, who was
in charge of his younger brother and sister. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;">I finally forced myself
to get some sleep and when I awoke, I talked to my son. It was midnight in
Chicago, and they were boarding their Chicago flight to California.
Miraculously, and I mean miraculously, that flight was held/delayed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;">“You’ve got to be
exhausted. Did you guys sleep at all?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;">“Yeah. Reeve and Hannah
did, but I stayed awake because I didn’t want us to miss our flight.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;">Oh. My. Word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;">The maturity that I
didn’t even know I could hope for had shown up. I was floored. Here he was, in
a big airport, in a highly stressful situation, acting as the protective older
brother. It was more than I could handle, so I did what any good mother would
do. I cried. (Not that I let him know that.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;">“Wow. I am seriously
impressed, buddy. I love you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;">When we loosen the
reins—or perhaps hand over the reins—we allow our kids the opportunity to
become the adults we are raising. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Constantia;">So today, ask yourself
if there is a skill that your child needs to learn or a responsibility that
needs to be given. Then, squash your anxiety, sit back and enjoy the ride.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--><span class="”fullpost”"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11057747887075734438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-87022579711466777722013-09-09T16:21:00.000-04:002013-09-09T16:23:01.084-04:00On this Bus…<!--[if !mso]>
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<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<h2>
<span style="font-size: x-large; line-height: 115%;">On <i>this</i> Bus…</span></h2>
</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was on a bus that my family was introduced first-hand to
bullying. My son, riding home with a friend, was the target because of his red
hair. I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that when I
found out my son was punched in the face for the color of his hair, I almost
came unglued. In the end, however, the punch in the face, was minor compared to
the punch in the gut we all felt when we came face to face with the lack of
action on the part of two groups: the other kids on the bus and the school
administrators.<br />
<br />
Bullying is a complex subject and I won’t pretend to fully
address every angle possible in this article. My son was involved in a single occurrence;
others are targets for years. There is verbal bullying, physical bullying, and cyber
bullying. Some adults intervene beautifully, while others turn a blind eye.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Given the fact that bullying has been discussed ad nauseam
for quite a few years, here’s the question I want to answer in this article:
What can we as adults (parents, teachers, administrators, etc.) do differently
to lead our kids?<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One of the major responsibilities that we have as adults is
the structure that we set for our children. Whether we are parents, teachers,
or bus drivers, we are responsible <i>to</i>
our children for the environment that we create. While we don’t have control
over our children’s behavior (like it or not), we do have control over the
structure of their environment and the administration of consequences. Because
of this, we have the opportunity to set a positive tone in our home, classroom,
or bus. Here are a few specifics on how to set a positive tone in
your environment.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Check your language</b>.
One of my biggest pet peeves with the Anti-Bullying Campaign is the language
that’s used. Repeatedly, kids are told “Don’t bully,” “No bullying,” “Don’t be
a bully.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhegVnOhff9djWT3rv71tyOqPjTQ59SOfsFiHZOVmS4Hkp1yNsbvV202RnWjvxlzWpGb_p9JK5Cx6Gln8NW5KU91BgkADVZDYlsBCnmDIkg-0bAlQ6Grfe2TWi9IMrZSovVJALaJ4DQ3k8/s1600/On+the+bus+bullying1.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhegVnOhff9djWT3rv71tyOqPjTQ59SOfsFiHZOVmS4Hkp1yNsbvV202RnWjvxlzWpGb_p9JK5Cx6Gln8NW5KU91BgkADVZDYlsBCnmDIkg-0bAlQ6Grfe2TWi9IMrZSovVJALaJ4DQ3k8/s200/On+the+bus+bullying1.png" width="200" /></a></div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let me ask you, “What are you thinking about when you’re
told over and over to not bully?” You’re thinking about bullying!
Unfortunately, the incessant talk of bullying actually has the potential to
increase the very behavior we are seeking to diminish! It’s like telling
someone to NOT think about a pink elephant. Well, guess what? They’re going to
think about a pink elephant! Instead, we need to be informing students about
the behavior that we <i>want</i> to see
rather than what we don’t want to see. This leads directly in to the next
point.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b>
<b>Communicate clearly
your expectations. </b>“This is <i>our</i> bus. And on <i>this
</i>bus, we treat each other with kindness and respect. Now when you step off
of this bus, I don’t know how you’re going to act. When you go home or go to
your classroom, you might act differently, but <i>on this bus</i>, we are kind and considerate.”<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_ZeSf-6HJ9cX6kf2VVheD_123OpMll65JvWDBdQ5NnnshK7Zsbd0iPjPcPK-gbM4PGLXGtvN8ULz6ucbWgi3wUqyU6WNF3Qn_YXyoOBvOhLofUp37o5k5oPNJhlylwNyqHDpVmdmqhIs/s1600/on+the+bus+bigger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_ZeSf-6HJ9cX6kf2VVheD_123OpMll65JvWDBdQ5NnnshK7Zsbd0iPjPcPK-gbM4PGLXGtvN8ULz6ucbWgi3wUqyU6WNF3Qn_YXyoOBvOhLofUp37o5k5oPNJhlylwNyqHDpVmdmqhIs/s320/on+the+bus+bigger.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<o:p></o:p></div>
In his book <i>The
Essential 55</i>, award-winning teacher Ron Clark says it is important to let
kids know what is expected of them.
“It’s unrealistic to expect kids to automatically behave exactly as you
hope they will. Kids are kids, and many actions that may seem like common sense
to us will seem foreign to them. I have found that no matter who the child is,
if you explain exactly what you want from him and exactly how you hope he will
act, then he will try his best to perform up to your standards.” (p. 166) Apparently,
Mr. Clark knows that of which he speaks. Not only does he start each year by
explaining his 55 rules to each new classroom of students, but he has seen the
positive effects of clearly teaching proper behavior. Part of that teaching
includes role-playing, a helpful way for kids to immediately practice what they
are learning.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So clearly communicate your expectations. Create scenarios
and allow the kids to practice appropriate behavior. If you don’t tell them
what they expect, it’s more difficult to hold them accountable.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b>
<b>Create a family
environment. </b> Look at the “on this
bus” quote above. Do you notice how there’s a sense of camaraderie, a sense of
family? It’s like saying, “Other families may tear each other down, but in our
home, we build one another up.” It’s important to create an environment in
which kids know that they belong, that they are part of the group. When we
treat others in a harsh or rude manner, it affects the whole group. This can
directly impact their sense of responsibility when they see someone being
bullied. If expectations are clearly communicated and they believe that they
are part of a group, they are more likely to intervene and stick up for the
target of the bully. Unfortunately, we often see bystanders experience a
“diffusion of responsibility.” In other words, they don’t <i>individually</i> feel any responsibility. Each person bears a small
part of the responsibility and therefore no one is responsible. Instead, if the
adults encourage a sense of belonging, then the children will want to stick up for
those in their group. They will have more of a brotherly or sisterly concern
for their classmates.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b>
<b>Follow through with
appropriate consequences. </b>The word “consequence” is usually interpreted to
mean “punishment,” but it’s important to understand that it simply means the
result or effect of something that has already occurred. I raise this issue
because too often people dish out consequences for inappropriate behavior but
not for good behavior. Here’s a challenge for you: look for both, but focus on
the good behavior. If you’ve set an environment where you expect your students
to be kind and respectful of others, then you must absolutely discipline when
those rules are broken, and it should be quick and clear. In other words, the
consequence needs to happen as soon after the offense as possible and it should
be clear to the child exactly what their offense was. But don’t stop there! Be
on the lookout for children who <i>are</i>
being kind and respectful and extend a “consequence” to those children as well.
Perhaps they get a special treat or privilege, but make sure it is celebrated
so that all of the students can take note. As a mentor of mine says, “Whatever
you celebrate, grows.” Do you want to grow kindness and respect on your bus?
Then celebrate it. Do you want your students to be responsible and mannerly?
Then celebrate it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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As the adults in our communities, children are looking to us
for direction and encouragement. Let’s not let them down! Let’s lead them in
creating an environment where bullying takes a back seat to respect, kindness,
and encouragement.<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment--><span class="”fullpost”"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11057747887075734438noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-80852035784789024062013-08-05T13:34:00.001-04:002013-08-05T13:34:27.853-04:00Different But Still The Same
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<div class="BodyA">
I am an African American male. I was
raised by an African American parent and one who was bi-racial, but who
identified with the African American culture. I attend a predominately African
American church and live in a neighborhood where people, for the most part look
like me. I am firmly ensconced in the Afro American culture.</div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
As a ScreamFree Fellow I have the
opportunity to travel the world teaching this wonderful message of calm
connection. I count it as a blessing from God. Although I have a chance to
speak to people that come from different cultures, domestic or abroad, I am
always particularly interested when there are African Americans in the audience
because, based on past experiences, I think I know what some are thinking. Some
have even spoken their thoughts out loud. </div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPEYE1qBoW1zrrYVJTzexG_0Q9ZE0aytFhAAhVT6G_V9irhIacRXXuzEc5QBZaeXdiGGf5Agu9r5svDD7jNI93CLlTZATNMY88lLzstmvJqHDE1bclbGzJBqmtkWshkcTwmuSRdaDPfJdK/s1600/different+but+the+same.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPEYE1qBoW1zrrYVJTzexG_0Q9ZE0aytFhAAhVT6G_V9irhIacRXXuzEc5QBZaeXdiGGf5Agu9r5svDD7jNI93CLlTZATNMY88lLzstmvJqHDE1bclbGzJBqmtkWshkcTwmuSRdaDPfJdK/s1600/different+but+the+same.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<i>“The
ScreamFree philosophy would never work on black people.”</i> Depending upon the
audience,<!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--> you could
substitute the word <i>black</i> for any
other culture—Latin, Italian, Irish, etc. This is what I call, “the cultural
excuse for screaming.” I’ve heard a great deal of them. My personal favorite
though is, <i>“Hey, I’m from Brooklyn. This
is what we do!”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
An excuse, by definition is when one
seeks to defend or justify a particular behavior or action. When we allow
ourselves to buy in to the cultural excuse for screaming, we remove the control
that we have over our own functioning. If we were to buy in to the ScreamFree
philosophy, I believe we can take that control back.</div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<b>We
All Scream...<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
ScreamFree is all about managing one’s
emotional reactivity. We all get reactive—white, black, Latin and Italian. In
other words, we all scream. The screaming disconnects us from those that we
love the most. Yes, we may be different, but we are all the same. We all love
our families and we want to be better connected to them. ScreamFree teaches
individuals how to be better connected by focusing on the one person in their
household they can control—themselves.</div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
In my case, there is only one <i>black</i> person that the philosophy needs
to work <span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">on</span>—<i><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">me</span></i>. To say that I can’t manage my own emotional reactivity
because I am black is an excuse that those who have lived before me would not
accept. I shouldn’t accept the excuse either.</div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
If we journey back to the 1960s, we can
see African Americans that were oppressed and depressed, until a few people
decided to do something different. They decided to manage themselves in order
to bring about worldwide transformation. To do this would require a ScreamFree
approach to change. They would be threatened, beaten and imprisoned, but they
kept their cool. They had to handle violence with non violence and to be
responsive, but non reactive.</div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
This approach to change has not been
limited to those of the African American culture. We’ve seen it with Gandhi
(Indian), Cesar Chavez (Latin American) and the Velvet Revolution
(Czechoslovakian). It can be said that it was best seen in the Hebrew culture
through a certain carpenter from Nazareth named Jesus.</div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
We can’t escape our culture. Hopefully,
we don’t want to. We can and should embrace all that our respective cultures
offer. Our cultures may shape us, but they don’t exclusively define us in such
a way that they dictate that we must be emotionally reactive screamers! </div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
Along with all of the cultural benefits
that our families can experience, we can also give them something else. We can
give them someone that is working on creating the peace that will allow any
relationship to thrive.</div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
We are all different, but we are very
much the same. We love our families. We embrace our heritage. We <i>can</i> manage ourselves. We <i>all</i> can be ScreamFree.<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--><span class="”fullpost”"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06651235694847149617noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-16217864319566329362013-07-16T09:15:00.000-04:002013-07-16T09:15:00.890-04:00An Open Letter To My Children
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl7KXHFPtWIQ23wl8PD7_GkomfMSW5CWKESyceX_SnLx7URwUma88U7NsJKkOOmGX0zcSg8HXrxJcJo53lSuiU0WUvwDx8Vgab-Ylbd8N6bDsD1IywGNuA0v6qokv5seG9L8W23roqGcZt/s1600/thoughtful-pen-writing-24581037-2560-1702.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl7KXHFPtWIQ23wl8PD7_GkomfMSW5CWKESyceX_SnLx7URwUma88U7NsJKkOOmGX0zcSg8HXrxJcJo53lSuiU0WUvwDx8Vgab-Ylbd8N6bDsD1IywGNuA0v6qokv5seG9L8W23roqGcZt/s400/thoughtful-pen-writing-24581037-2560-1702.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="Body">
To My Kids,</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
I know that I speak for your mother in saying that we love you
with all that is inside of us. We had no idea how much you would enrich our
lives, thus we thank God for you daily.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
I wanted to write a letter to you. Sure, I realize that the two
of you are so young that you can’t read this yet, but I pray that as you age,
these words can help to guide your life. In the process of writing it, I am
sharing it with the world (or at least the ScreamFree fans) with the hope that
it can help them as well.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
As a spouse and a father, I’ve learned a few things. That in
which I have been blessed to learn cannot be contained in one letter, but I
thought I’d write down a few of the really big ones. If you choose to focus on
these things, I think you can have a richer experience with your family.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>1. <i>Love</i> Your Spouse<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
There is a Hebrew proverb that says, <i>“A man that finds a wife finds a good thing.” </i>I believe this holds
true for a woman that finds a husband as well. Spouses should be cherished as
gifts from God. They should be loved. Of course, you will have to define what
“love” really means and then communicate your understanding of it to your
spouse. Trust me—that’ll be helpful.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Your spouse, at times, will upset you and hurt you like no one
else in the world. Strive not to “get even” or “retaliate.” Just love them.
This is the very thing you pledged to do on your wedding day.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
With that said, be careful who you choose to marry. Do not search
for someone that can “complete” you. You will <i>never</i> find that person. No one can complete you, for you are
already complete. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Please do not give your spouse a list of “needs” that they must
meet in order to make you happy. Your spouse cannot meet your needs. Do not lay upon your spouse a burden
that they can’t hope to bear.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>2. Appreciate the
Individuality of Your Children<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
As you are blessed with kids, learn quickly to appreciate them as
individuals. Don’t feel threatened when you discover that they are different
from you. They may not have your temperament or sense of adventure. That’s
okay. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Appreciate the differences. Learn to enjoy all the things that
make you different. This will impact their lives more than you know.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>3. Learn to Give Time<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
I hope that by the time you read this letter, you will see that
your father did a pretty good job with this one. Believe me though, it didn’t
come easy. I learned this one the hard way. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
You can’t spend every waking moment with your family (nor should
you), but give them the time that they deserve. Don’t shortchange them. Don’t
give them the energy that you have left over from the day. Give them your best.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>4. Learn How to Set
Boundaries<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
As adults you will need to learn how to set proper boundaries.
There are areas around your life that should only be reserved for certain
people. I have described them in times past as the “Circles of Life.”</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Think of them as concentric circles around your life. The inner
most circle should be reserved for you and your spouse. No one else should be
able to get in, including your kids. Learn to enjoy that space. The next circle
around your life is perhaps occupied by your children. In this space, you enjoy
your family time or just your one-on-one time with your kids.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
The other layers of circles may be reserved for your job, friends
and parents/siblings—in whatever order you choose.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<i>Special Note:<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="Body">
As your parents, there may be times when we try to invade the
circle that you have set for your own family. Know that it comes from an honest
place of love. Nevertheless, please don’t allow it to happen. Calmly—but firmly
inform us of our actions and your desire to chart a new course with those
entrusted to you. We will understand. Your sibling may try to encroach upon a
restricted area as well. Lovingly, follow the same course with them as you did
with us.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>5. Laugh<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
As I write this, I am listening to the two of you in the next
room. You are playing and laughing. You are enjoying yourselves. I pray that
the sense of wonderment, adventure and play that you have will continue to rest
within your souls. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Keep on playing and laughing. Find joy in all that you do. Don’t
take life too seriously. </div>
<div class="Body">
Just laugh.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
With Love,</div>
<div class="Body">
Dad</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--><span class="”fullpost”"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06651235694847149617noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-22968643145294111002013-06-28T14:32:00.001-04:002013-06-28T14:32:54.088-04:00Toddlers, Tiaras, and Thievery
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyZfjlHU8uIVJD4Ge0GG2RjEBmbYxQ1PlwGEgWX23PuNUyO5PKiOaqv0NGtiblBkFSR1VnonBbm1uxmBsdasgitThmReGifNTB3zbl7a1ErpYT4a2OPH9mDTVwfRAP8wE4weBPpiu4kRQ/s460/mirror_1528675c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyZfjlHU8uIVJD4Ge0GG2RjEBmbYxQ1PlwGEgWX23PuNUyO5PKiOaqv0NGtiblBkFSR1VnonBbm1uxmBsdasgitThmReGifNTB3zbl7a1ErpYT4a2OPH9mDTVwfRAP8wE4weBPpiu4kRQ/s320/mirror_1528675c.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";">“You know mom
just watches it to feel good about herself.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";">This was the
explanation my daughter gave my son for why I, an intelligent and normal mom,
was watching <i>Toddlers and Tiaras</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";">Dang! I hate it
when kids tell the truth. And I admit that I do feel rather superior after
watching an episode.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";"> <i>At
least I’m not <b>that</b> obsessed with my
kids. <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";">I would never put such high demands on my
kids like <b>those </b>moms.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";">At least I don’t spend $1200 on a stinkin’
dress for a 6 year old.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";">That poor girl is going to need some
serious therapy… like right now.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";">One of the
characters, a Russian mail-order-bride mom, who admitted that she’s seriously
competitive, threatened to pull her daughter from the competition because the emcee
cut short her daughter’s performance. And then there was the mom who seriously
neglected her own appearance and health while spending countless dollars on her
daughter’s fake tans and false teeth.
(Yes, “flippers”…you know, to cover up the baby teeth). Don’t get me
started. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";">It’s amazing and
yet embarrassing how spending 60 minutes watching <i>T & T</i> will raise my spirits as a mom. <i> </i>You know what, though?
I’m a seriously flawed mom, too. I’ve been known to be a little too competitive
at the field day tug-of-war. (Yes, I was the maniac on the sideline screaming,
“Dig! Dig! Pull! Pull!”). And there might be some less-than-stellar mom jeans
that I’ve worn in the way past in the back of my closet. Maybe.<i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";">At the end of the
day, we are all broken. We are all messed up, screwed up, make mistakes, and
have enormous blind spots. No matter how hard we try, we all have areas in our
parenting where we need to improve. Most of us realize this, yet we still feel that pull to
compare ourselves to other parents. And usually when we do, we have one of two
reactions. We either feel so much better about ourselves (like me after
watching <i>T & T</i>) or we feel awful,
less than, a failure. We all know that mom who seems to have the patience of
Job or can plan the most elaborate birthday party out of popsicle sticks and
cotton balls. She seems to have it all together and it makes us sick.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";">I actually had a
woman tell me once that she thought I was<i>
that</i> mom. She’d seen me arrive at church week after week with 3 children (all
under the age of 4), looking so pulled together with everyone dressed so
nicely. All I could think was, “Are you kidding me?” If she could have followed
me around that morning she would have seen a ridiculously frazzled mom,
scrambling to throw on a little mascara between nursing, changing diapers, and
sarcastically griping at her husband about how he <i>could</i> help out a little more! Ah, yes. The epitome of perfection!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";">No, we are all a
little flawed but all have great strengths as well. The problem with comparison
is that we focus on the wrong things. Rather than embracing our strengths, we
see them as lacking when compared to someone else; and rather than realizing
our need to change in other areas, we feel self-righteous that at least we’re
not like <i>her</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";">Theodore
Roosevelt said it best: <b>Comparison is
the thief of joy</b>. Oh, I love that. When I compare myself, I lose out on the
thrill of being the mom I was created to be. I forget that I have taught my
kids to make a mean chocolate chip cookie. I lose sight of the fact that I’m
darn good at creating fun memories with my kids and that they actually enjoy
spending time with me. Comparison robs us; it gives us a false sense of who we
are.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";">So today, how can
you gain a realistic picture of who you are as a parent? How can you embrace
your strengths and enJOY being a parent? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic";">Me? I’m headed to
watch <i>Here Comes Honey Boo Boo</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--><span class="”fullpost”"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11057747887075734438noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-74391344822601593342013-06-25T11:18:00.000-04:002013-06-26T11:20:40.366-04:00I Stopped Parenting My Kids—Today
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="Body">
I’m done! This parenting thing, it is just too hard. I am declaring to
the world, <i>or at least to those that are
reading this post, </i>that, “I quit!” I have truly had enough of this whole
process.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
My decision is based upon logic, not emotion. I’ve thought long
and hard about my decision and to tell you the truth, I’m happy with it. I’ve
prayed about it and consulted others, and I have firmly settled on the option
to surrender the role that I have assumed over the past five years. So for the
sake of emphasis, let me repeat, “I am done parenting my kids!”</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<i>Here’s why...<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
I’ve tried to <i>make</i> sure
that my kids are the people that <i>I</i>
want them to be. I’ve set out clear cut goals for <i>them</i> to follow, but <i>they</i>
seem to reject them at times. <i>I</i> have created a pathway that would
ensure <i>their</i> happiness and success,
but at times <i>they</i> choose a course
that <i>I</i> have not prescribed. <i>I’ve</i> taken the time to plan <i>their</i> schedules, including the
activities that are the most beneficial to <i>them</i>,
but <i>they</i> seem unappreciative. My kids
just want to do what they want to do. All of this has left me feeling
frustrated and a bit annoyed.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>The Most Frustrating Thing<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
I feel frustrated at the fact that I have enforced consequences,
but they don’t seem to be working. I’ve taken things, called all the time-outs
that I have at my disposal, but my kids keep on making the same mistakes. I
just don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how else to respond. It usually
ends in some sort of blow up, with a lot of crying, screaming and pouting.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
That’s why I’ve decided to quit—to stop parenting the way that I
have been. I realized that the way I have been approaching the idea of
parenting has contributed to my own unhappiness and resentment. I’ve been
trying to control my kids. When that hasn’t worked, I’ve tried to coerce and
even manipulate them so that they will do what I wanted them to do and be who I
wanted them to be. It hasn’t been effective! As a matter of fact, it has driven
us apart.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<b>The Choice to Lead<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
As parents, we have been given the greatest leadership
responsibility known to man. What kind of leaders do we want to be? I want to
be the type of leader that invites my kids to follow me. Invite them, because
of my actions, my demeanor and my calm. My desire is not to bark commands, but
to inform my kids of their choices. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Great leaders set direction, but at the same time they realize
that they may not always be followed. Our kids have to <i>choose</i> to follow us. Sometimes they elect to test the boundaries of
life. They are doing this because they are seeking to understand the space
around their lives. We can be intimidated by it, or we can accept it and choose
to be the resource that can help our children navigate their way around their
space.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Now, I am charting a new course for my parenting journey. One
that focuses a lot more on me and my actions and less on my kids and their
actions. No longer am I trying to dictate and make them live the dream that I
have for their lives, but now I am appreciating the fact that their lives
belong to them. I am their tour guide through life. This role allows me to
witness the lives that they will choose to live. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
I like parenting better this way. It actually helps me love and
appreciate my kids even more.<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--><span class="”fullpost”"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06651235694847149617noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-54473562045563255202013-06-18T15:55:00.001-04:002013-06-18T15:55:44.636-04:00The ScreamFree Chauffeur
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiUoq6FqsAzzZKhLw3vXODliLxcKcQtj1k_9GHU56lO058mruYDysLwNLFdEdM_hedyBlQ6dLRth890HJWHvSmNe0DatiERCdU5_9ep0rBw8c9oSp9zwMwWHqguAdkgQUNt3ZTrPr_WKM/s1600/ScreamFree+Chauffeur.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiUoq6FqsAzzZKhLw3vXODliLxcKcQtj1k_9GHU56lO058mruYDysLwNLFdEdM_hedyBlQ6dLRth890HJWHvSmNe0DatiERCdU5_9ep0rBw8c9oSp9zwMwWHqguAdkgQUNt3ZTrPr_WKM/s400/ScreamFree+Chauffeur.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="Body">
I remember when my kids were little. Occasionally, they would get
fussy, and the only hope for getting them to sleep was a nice, slow drive in a
warm minivan with some peaceful, classical music playing. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Now they’re old enough to be bored in the backseat. One of them
asks 400 questions per hour, and the other two do dreadful,
vicious, horrible things such as...wait for it...looking at one another. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
The truth is, children feel relatively safe in cars. They know
that your disciplinary options decrease as the distance from your front door
increases. They may have a vague awareness that consequences await them upon
arrival, but there are several factors that keep this from being much of a
deterrent.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
For example, they know that discipline lies, quite literally, at
some point down the road. The longer the journey, the longer you have to cool
down and forget about how badly they behaved. They also know that there will be
witnesses once you get where you’re going. They figure you’re not going to
really throw down in front of those other law-abiding citizens. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
So, how do you keep the vehicle running smoothly -- especially
with all the trips to the mall and the store and the swim party and soccer
practice and grandma’s house and summer camp and...whew! I’m out of breath just
thinking of it all!</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
To begin with you might consider keeping a small bag of books,
toys and games in the car to occupy time. Play the alphabet game by trying to
find each letter on signs as you drive by. The winner gets to drive. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Uh...okay...maybe not.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
How about some age-appropriate trivia? Name three candy bars that
begin with the letter “M”. Which color is the most common color for other cars?
How far away do you think that bridge is? </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Of course, you can’t head off every bit of trouble, so I’ve got
four things for you to keep in mind. Most are based on a single principle,
which is this: When you can’t discipline, discipline when you can. In other
words, if you are unable to immediately respond to car trouble, fix the trouble
when you do stop. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
One: When chauffeuring your kids around, tell them before you
leave what level of peace you want en route. Also, tell them that you will turn
the car around if you don’t get it. Also, mean it when you say it. Actually follow
through if you must. You may want to just call it a day after that, or you may
call for a “do-over” and try again. That’s your call. Transportation is a
privilege not a right. Privileges are earned in our house through responsible
behavior. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Two: “If you don’t stop that this instant, I will pull this car
over” has been used so many times it’s lost some of its power, which is a shame
because it’s a very helpful option. If you can find a safe place, pull over and
sit for a minute. It won’t take long for them to realize that this is eating
into valuable pool or shopping or party time. Require a few minutes of peace
and quiet before moving on. You can pull over as many times as you like -- or
you can decide to only pull over once and head for home if there’s a second
offense. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Three: Timeout in the car at the destination. If you endure 13
minutes of chaos en route, force them to sit in the car for 13 minutes once
they arrive. Just sitting in the car, watching their friends skate and have
fun, thinking of how they could be out there, too. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Four: At the start of each trip, the kids each get, say, four
tickets. Every infraction costs them a ticket. Each lost ticket leads to some
consequence: a 10-minute timeout, a 200-word essay or a $5.00 fine. You could also
reverse this one and hand out tickets for infractions -- you know, like the
police do. Consequences are served upon arrival, or later at home. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
The key to avoiding car trouble is to abandon the idea that
discipline must be immediate to be effective. That may be the ideal situation
for toddlers and preschoolers, but discipline quickly becomes logistically more
complicated as they get older. That’s why it’s always better to do something,
even if it’s later or somewhere else, than to do nothing just because it
happened 26 miles ago. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
If all else fails, find your favorite radio station, blast the
volume and sing as loudly as you can! Your kids will collapse into a catatonic
state, but they’ll snap out of it as soon as they can safely escape from the
car and tell their friends how weird you are! <span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--><span class="”fullpost”"></span>john alan turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03065084395340701275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-9756323258149006432013-06-11T16:32:00.003-04:002013-06-11T16:32:46.524-04:00The Thing Most Remembered: A Lesson for Dads
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsei_p2yW22Ay25qhh_RUI7_9Mvc6o9jLhgfy3_rc1EWsti6CxOBLPFVlD0P0oMONw4Lu7hrgqQKlE4DE77lEzZo1ctpMhSSOOErmA6NMzS2WfLZkbzJlMDxaKdoQLIGOmHK_SNFvjHEy9/s1600/The+Thing+Most+Remembered.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsei_p2yW22Ay25qhh_RUI7_9Mvc6o9jLhgfy3_rc1EWsti6CxOBLPFVlD0P0oMONw4Lu7hrgqQKlE4DE77lEzZo1ctpMhSSOOErmA6NMzS2WfLZkbzJlMDxaKdoQLIGOmHK_SNFvjHEy9/s400/The+Thing+Most+Remembered.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="BodyA">
Last week I had the privilege of spending some wonderful quality
time with my kids. As a dad of a 4 and 3 year old, our time together is usually
spent doing something active on the floor like rolling around or wrestling. The
truth is, I am trying really hard to wear them out so that they will go right
to sleep at bedtime, but it is usually to no avail. On one particular day it
was like normal, I was running around “play fighting” with my son as he was
pretending to be Captain America and I was the unknown, evil villain. My daughter
Jordan even joined the cast of our epic “battle.” <a href="http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/6-benefits-of-roughhousing-for-kids" target="_blank">If this sounds violent to you, please don’t judge me, forstudies show that this type of roughhousing is common for fathers and can bequite helpful.</a></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<b>A Painful Lesson<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
Eventually, my son began doing something else, but Jordan and I
kept going. She soon started chasing me around while she punched at the air.
She would hit me in the leg a few times and I would run away. In the middle of
one of our “rounds,” my attention was suddenly shifted by a text message that
came through on my iPhone. I stopped all of a sudden, walked away from her and
began reading this “important” message. I had taken my attention off of my
daughter and assumed that she would see that daddy had stopped playing. I was
wrong. She didn’t notice and she kept punching away into the air until she
reached a certain area of my body. Yep...THAT AREA!</div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
As I found myself keeled over in pain, my little girl noticed
that she had hurt her daddy. In the middle of my groans and my pleas that God
would grant me a semblance of mercy, I heard my daughter’s attempt to get my attention.
<i>“Daddy,”</i> she said. Through my tears I
looked at her and responded, <i>“Yeeeesss,
baby.” </i>Jordan said, <i>“I’m sorry.” <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
Her apology should have settled it, but it didn’t because I
observed the look on her face. She was smiling! SMILING! In the midst of my
pain, my 3 year old had the nerve to smile as if everything should just be
okay. A grown man is on the ground in a fetal position! Everything is NOT okay!
</div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<b>The Thing Most Remembered<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
Jordan repeated herself to make sure I heard her. G After all
we’ve taught her to repeat herself when someone doesn’t acknowledge her. Doing
so shows maturity and commands respect. Unfortunately, her dad was about to
behave in a very immature manner, for all I could see was the smile on her
face. I interpreted her smile as proof that the situation was <i>funny</i> to her, so I “maturely” barked
out, <i>“It’s not funny, Jordan!”</i> I then
gingerly guided her away from me. Real mature, I know! “Way to go ScreamFree
guy.”</div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
My wife was present for this entire episode, but she was unaware
of Jordan’s apology attempt. She calmly explained to our daughter the
importance of not punching boys “down there.” She then encouraged her to
apologize. Jordan sadly told her that she <i>had
</i>apologized, but that daddy just moved her aside. Suddenly the pain in my
inward parts disappeared and a new one emerged - the emotional pain that I had
just inflicted upon my daughter by my immature actions.</div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
What stuck out to Jordan wasn’t the fact that her dad was on the
floor in pain. The thing most remembered by her was how I responded to it. This
occurrence made me think back to many of the times that I had reacted
emotionally to my kids. I’ve noticed how their countenance tends to fall, how
their shoulders drop and how emotional they become. Now, I finally understand what
all of those experts talk about when they say that fathers play a crucial role
in the cognitive, behavioral and emotional development of their kids.</div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
How dads respond, interact and love their kids has a real impact
on what they do and who they will one day become. We are responsible to them as
fathers for the way in which we behave. How we behave ultimately will be the
thing most remembered by those “little ones” we love so much.</div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<div class="BodyA">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--><span class="”fullpost”"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06651235694847149617noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-50268308820323630102013-06-06T12:09:00.000-04:002013-06-12T15:38:06.760-04:00Staying Sane During Summer Break<a style="clear: right; float: left;" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-bwSGhbf0Zwukt7sDsIwcKsC3St_NSN19kqmkihDXIgFjfkXkUa6gJ7vyOd6vt2hp_OH7qi7ONu1ObTb0Zw7a5RFoeEBY6Fx6GjQUrbHD7IaN4Gm-ie7zat5lili0QnVuLh-u2acJKNA/s1600/Staying+Sane+During+Summer+Break.jpg"><img alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-bwSGhbf0Zwukt7sDsIwcKsC3St_NSN19kqmkihDXIgFjfkXkUa6gJ7vyOd6vt2hp_OH7qi7ONu1ObTb0Zw7a5RFoeEBY6Fx6GjQUrbHD7IaN4Gm-ie7zat5lili0QnVuLh-u2acJKNA/s400/Staying+Sane+During+Summer+Break.jpg" width="400" height="400" border="0" /></a>
<p style="text-align: left;"><strong>Question: </strong>What is a six letter word that brings joy to
teachers and strikes fear in the hearts of many parents?</p>
<strong>Answer: </strong>Summer!
While many parents, myself included, are excited about the
lazy days of summer, they also understand that too much of a good thing can be, well, too much. The initial excitement about getting to sleep in and having the freedom to do “whatever” can quickly turn into “How am I going to keep these kids entertained all summer?”
So while teachers rejoice, let’s look at a couple of
strategies to calm our parental fears about summer.
<ol>
<li><b>Have a little structure in your summer. </b>It’s
tempting to throw the schedule to the wind once summer vacation hits, but, as
my 13 year old wisely pointed out, no structure at all leads to chaos. So our
family instituted a “lightweight” structure for each weekday morning. Each
child needs to accomplish five things before lunch time, all of which can be
done within one hour or so. They include reading (about 15-20 minutes), writing
(either in response to their writing or adding 5 items to our family gratitude
journal), light chores (wiping down the bathroom counters, watering the plants,
etc.), practicing their new skill (see below), and Bible reading. They have a
chart to mark off their completion of each item, and while they protested at
first, they know that these five things aren’t going to take up too much time.</li>
<li><b>Limit screen time.</b> Let me say this up
front. This is NOT easy, and while we may get the initial pushback from our
kids, the reward is far greater. The creativity required to entertain
themselves IS the reward. In fact, yesterday I watched sibling rivalry melt
away as two of my kids built forts with every couch cushion in the house.</li>
<li><b>Learn a new skill.</b> The school year is
often too busy with homework and after school activities to devote much time to
something like this. Maybe your child has been interested in the guitar or
piano. The summer might be the perfect time to try it out. How about teaching your elementary
school aged child how to make cookies? Or maybe your high schooler needs to
learn how to do laundry? My daughter, who is entering middle school this fall,
will be learning to type this summer, and I plan on teaching all of my kids how
to paint when I repaint our playroom. (I know…shameless child labor!)</li>
<li><b>Create a family bucket list. </b>Don’t
forget to add in the fun! Have each member of your family come up with their
own list and then enjoy sharing them. Be creative and make sure to include
freebie ones, too! Here are a few to get you started:
<ul>
<li>Go fishing.</li>
<li>Make homemade ice cream.</li>
<li>Have a water balloon fight.</li>
<li>Play miniature golf.</li>
<li>Visit an amusement park.</li>
<li>Catch fireflies.</li>
<li>Go on a hike.</li>
</ul>
</li>
<li><b>Take time for yourself</b>.<b> </b>Or, as we say at ScreamFree, put on
your own oxygen mask first! Having your kids around all summer can quickly
drain you, so make sure you are refilling your own tank. Take care of yourself
by focusing on YOU. This could mean grabbing your favorite magazine and heading
to the backyard hammock for 15 minutes. It might mean going on a walk by
yourself or having a girls’/guys’ night out. Whatever it looks like, realize
that you will be a much better mom or dad if you are refreshed.</li>
<li><b>Nurture your marriage</b>. Having the kids
around ALL THE TIME can put a real strain on your marriage as well, so make
sure you are scheduling in some couple time. If you can’t afford a babysitter,
rent the kids a video and then retreat to the dining room for a nice dinner.</li>
</ol>
So with a little planning, a lot of flexibility, and a
healthy dose of me-time, you might just utter the words you’ve always wanted to
hear: This was the best summer ever!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11057747887075734438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-37935921660343978042013-06-04T12:02:00.000-04:002013-06-10T12:03:11.843-04:00Avoiding the Chore Wars
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<!--StartFragment-->
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmdte3s5lbUk64vs5cgjQSi5kY5ZRb122WGpQyNAas2OKjTyhDQaI9frRqo4S_9TC1wQvI7cZVA4uE9eiPb3XB_64FPAywK-cBeawm1ySXyTfZJ3I46keHNQYSVtRPafkdd8-vnGT75uQ/s1600/Chore+Wars.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmdte3s5lbUk64vs5cgjQSi5kY5ZRb122WGpQyNAas2OKjTyhDQaI9frRqo4S_9TC1wQvI7cZVA4uE9eiPb3XB_64FPAywK-cBeawm1ySXyTfZJ3I46keHNQYSVtRPafkdd8-vnGT75uQ/s400/Chore+Wars.jpg" width="318" /></a></div>
<div class="Body">
Ah...summertime. The living is easy. The fish are jumping. The
cotton is high. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
And your house is a disaster! </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
With kids out of school and laying around the house all day, how
in the world are you supposed to be able to keep it livable in there? It’s time
to get serious about chores. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Chores are loaded with life lessons. Chores remind us that living
indoors is a privilege that comes with responsibilities. Chores foster a sense
of shared ownership and a respect for property. Chores are previews of what it’s
like to work in the real world. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
In short, chores help us prepare our children for life on their
own, and those lessons are best taught young. Introduce kids to the value of
work early on, before they become allergic to it later. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
In the beginning, you’ll have to do most of the heavy lifting,
but your effort is aimed toward the future. As with any behavior, a little work
on the front end will pay hefty dividends in days to come. As your child
internalizes some sense of responsibility, the need for parental prodding
decreases. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
I’ve found that little ones love to help out, especially if they
think chores are for grown-ups. Take full advantage of a toddler’s penchant to
imitate by giving them their own rag to help wipe the table or dry their sippy
cup. Let them hold onto the broom while you vacuum. Odds are they’ll make as
much of a mess as they clean, but you’re nurturing something positive in them
-- a sense that their help is appreciated and expected. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Preschoolers can put away puzzles or toss their cup into the
sink. They can help set the table, put clothes where they belong and keep
common areas from violating too many health codes. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Joint ventures are always a good option. In our house, we found
that our kids give us twice as much help if we do chores with them. For
example, I may wash and one of my daughters will dry. But you don’t always have
to be present. In fact, some things should be solely your child’s
responsibility. On the whole, however, timing your work to coincide with hers
should improve her output -- and her outlook. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Another good thing about shared chores: they have a way of
allowing your child the opportunity to open up about what she is thinking or
feeling. The highly elusive “quality time” we’ve all heard about often shows up
spontaneously while folding the laundry or emptying the dishwasher. Chores are
often prime times for our kids to talk to us -- even if it is just because
we’re the only ones around! </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Of course, as kids get older more activities compete for their
time. So, it might behoove you to structure your expectations. You may need
some strategies for making children’s chores less work for you than for them.
Also, most kids are content to do nothing for 10 or 11 weeks from June to
August. Your “To Do” list doesn’t always jive with their “Will Do” list. So,
how do you keep a four-minute chore from becoming a 40-minute war? </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Below are some suggestions for making chores less of a challenge.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
First, make a list of household duties you would like from your
kids. Then, divide the list into <i>family
chores</i> (things that are expected because the child is part of the family)
and <i>paying chores</i> (things that are
linked to an allowance or that the child can do to pick up some extra cash). </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Second, tell your kids that they can only do the paying chores if
the family chores are up to date. Also, tell them that any daily duty (a “core
chore”) must be complete before any privileges begin. In other words, no TV,
computer, phone, pool, friends, etc. are available until the bathroom has been
fumigated. </div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
For younger children, you might want to construct a chore wheel.
List household tasks or rooms to be cleaned, and everyone spins the wheel for
an assigned task until all have been delegated. A variation of this includes
flipping a coin to decide who washes and who dries, pulling chores out of a hat
or tossing a velcro ball at a chore chart.</div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
That last one might actually develop some hand-eye coordination.
They’ll learn to hit the two-inch square that says, “Clean the computer screen”
from across the room while avoiding the two-foot poster that says, “Clean out
the refrigerator”. <span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--><span class="”fullpost”"></span>john alan turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03065084395340701275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-17120095454470969212013-05-06T12:23:00.003-04:002013-05-06T12:24:13.116-04:00Setting Boundaries With Grandma...and Grandpa Too!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It’s one of those trips that you take that <i>most </i>in your household really look forward to...<i>the</i> trip to grandma’s house. The kid’s are definitely excited. <i>You</i>....maybe not so much.</div>
<b></b><br />
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<b><br /></b></div>
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It’s not that you don’t like seeing your parents or in-laws, but walking through their door can bring up a tremendous amount of anxiety. The type of anxiety that transforms their house from whatever version of quaint it is actually to that house in which Anthony Perkins resides in the movie Psycho. You might appreciate the smell of fresh baked goodies emanating from its interior, but despite the inviting smell, you don’t want to go in.</div>
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Your aversion likely stems from the fact that you know something happens when your parents get around your kids. Any sort of order that you had going with your kids can sometimes be undone within a couple of days of visiting. </div>
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Sometimes, over-eager, well-meaning grandparents let certain rules that we normally enforce slide. They just might give our kids more dessert than we believe is humanly possible to digest. They may wait on our kids, hand and foot and ignore the idea of them picking up after themselves. They buy them things even when their behavior displays that they don’t deserve it. They just seem too doggone permissive. If we are honest, sometimes that just scares us silly.</div>
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So how do we deal with grandparents that seem to cross the boundaries we’ve set for our children?</div>
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<b>How to Deal With Boundary Crossing Grandparents</b></div>
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<b>1. Have a Conversation</b></div>
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As parents, one of our jobs is to set boundaries. Another job that we have is to communicate those boundaries to others. It is easy to think that our kids are the only ones that need to know the boundaries, but the truth is, grandparents need to know what boundary lines have been drawn as well. They need to know the lines and they need to honor them.</div>
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A conversation about boundaries and limits needs to happen, even before a visit to Grandma’s. It might prove helpful to make a phone call to the grandparents a week before the visit so that you can inform them of the rules you have in place regarding dinner, dessert, cleanliness, gifts, etc. Calmly represent yourself and your preferences to them. Additionally, continue to calmly represent yourself to them even during your visit. </div>
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<b>2. Include Them More </b></div>
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Have you ever gotten the impression that your parents may be trying to make up for lost time with your kids? Like they are trying to pack in as much as they can with them while they are able? If so, maybe this is why they are acting like over-eager squirrels preparing for winter, when in the sight of our children.</div>
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Dealing with this issue requires that we spend more time looking at ourselves than we do at our parents. We should begin by asking ourselves questions. Questions such as, “How can mom and dad be included more in our children’s activities and events?” or “Can we make more of an effort to visit our parents a little more often?” </div>
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Having important family members in the presence of our children more often can do a lot to lessen their (our parents) anxiety and our own as well. The more our parents can see us parenting our children, the better.</div>
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<b>3. Understand that Your Home is Your Child’s Training Ground, but the Training Must be Tested</b></div>
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What are we preparing our children to do? We are training them to survive without us and we are teaching them how to make decisions on their own. Assuredly, there will come a time when that training will be tested. The results of the test will communicate something to the one being tested as well as to the teacher. As our child’s most influential teacher, how well have we prepared them to make decisions outside of our nest and independent of our watchful eyes? </div>
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How will our children respond to Grandma’s unintentional attempt to spoil them? Who knows! Whatever the outcome, it can lead to some excellent conversations with our kids.</div>
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ScreamFree parents never have to fear the Grands. They can see each visit as an excellent opportunity to remain calm, focus on themselves and test the training that they’ve administered. </div>
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<span class="”fullpost”"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06651235694847149617noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-66585281434463725342013-05-03T15:58:00.000-04:002013-05-03T15:58:53.432-04:00Girls Gone Wedding<div style="font: 11.0px Calibri; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">So you’re getting married! Congratulations! Such an exciting time in your life! Now onto planning the big day. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Planning a wedding <i>can be</i> such a fun adventure. I got engaged 19 years ago, long before the days of endless wedding ideas on Pinterest, Say Yes to the Dress, and Four Weddings. When my husband and I planned our wedding, brainstorming involved looking through the latest issue of Bride’s Magazine. I know. I know. Yes, even admitting this makes me feel old! Today, I’m utterly amazed at the options afforded to couples who are planning their weddings. Seeing all of the creative photography ideas, wedding themes, and cake creations almost makes me want to plan mine all over again…until I remember the endless decisions that had to be made and how I often felt like the planning was a part time job. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaa3x_LKCAD4lfH9-oST692zs1fqQRNVZLCHUIkQLD5y08t3si1y5ReVudTkSw17SC0KVri6D0Xm8_aBmdPxIQqxvz7h0gPzLa64QRq8kwrwvy-WomYtC_wMLat-yCHcvQHVZMYdzRndw/s1600/sarah+blog+I+Do+5.3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaa3x_LKCAD4lfH9-oST692zs1fqQRNVZLCHUIkQLD5y08t3si1y5ReVudTkSw17SC0KVri6D0Xm8_aBmdPxIQqxvz7h0gPzLa64QRq8kwrwvy-WomYtC_wMLat-yCHcvQHVZMYdzRndw/s320/sarah+blog+I+Do+5.3.png" width="214" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">One of the biggest mistakes couple make in planning their wedding is that the <i>couple</i> doesn’t plan the wedding. The bride does. Now don’t get me wrong. Few boys grow up dreaming of their ideal tux and I don’t know of any teenage boy who has a Pinterest board labeled “Wedding Fantasies,” but who is getting married? Just the bride? Seriously! Have you seen any TLC shows about men planning their weddings? Nope. Just women trying on too-expensive dresses or planning a wedding that they hope will beat out three other weddings to win a lavish honeymoon.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Planning a wedding has the potential to set in place patterns that will continue throughout a marriage. It can become a classic marital bombshell. What I mean is this…the bride takes charge, making most of the decisions regarding the wedding; meanwhile, the groom sits back, letting her control the situation. Over time this pattern can take root, especially around big decisions (kids, home, etc.). This seemed convenient for both initially. She wanted to plan the wedding; he didn’t care one way or the other. But eventually, that pattern (she takes charge, while he sits back) isn’t so fun. Over time, she grows resentful, even bitter that he’s not more involved. Meanwhile he can’t figure out why she’s so upset; he thought they’d arranged things so that both of them were happy.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Last time I checked, the bride <i>and the groom</i> show up at the wedding. So why not have the bride <i>and the groom </i>participate in the planning? I realize that many brides don’t like that idea because they have everything already picked out and they don’t want to give up some of that control. And frankly, many grooms might not like that idea either because they don’t really care about the details. I realize that planning a wedding doesn’t seem like a monumental event that could set your marriage on the wrong course, but why not choose to create healthy patterns from the start? Why not use this time to learn how to negotiate, how to work together on a project, how to blend your lives now? </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Allow me to speak to each of you.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Brides: Even if your parents are paying for the wedding, this is not just YOUR wedding. Don’t be a control freak! Include your groom in the planning. It doesn’t have to be 50-50, but the taste, traditions, and theme should reflect both of you. If he’s overwhelmed by the details, offer him fewer choices. (Which of these 3 bouquets do you like? Would you rather have a round cake or a square one?) </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Grooms: Be involved. This is your wedding, too, so have an opinion. Don’t sit back and simply show up. Find aspects of the wedding that interest you and express your opinion, knowing that your experience of the wedding will be that much richer.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA7kdzvsywDd9pkIb41pPFym0ohwgsXCnD3H4ZUDT3vzM54gE7NjOe-jf9N3hzZDbne_MhgJC__C8e2G57rg3nqKuFZZQCB2-JSmtO1gFYSEGanvghIXrZdj5KPy6pqXUGPwwrxAC_7cw/s1600/Reflection.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA7kdzvsywDd9pkIb41pPFym0ohwgsXCnD3H4ZUDT3vzM54gE7NjOe-jf9N3hzZDbne_MhgJC__C8e2G57rg3nqKuFZZQCB2-JSmtO1gFYSEGanvghIXrZdj5KPy6pqXUGPwwrxAC_7cw/s320/Reflection.jpg" width="212" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">You’ve heard this before, but it bears repeating. Your wedding is one day but your marriage lasts a lifetime, so set your sights on how you want your marriage to look as you prepare your wedding, and who knows…maybe TLC will start calling.</span></div>
<span class="”fullpost”"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11057747887075734438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5514276800598571309.post-49940349556787676362013-04-16T11:00:00.000-04:002013-04-16T11:00:01.448-04:00What’s Your One Thing?<div style="font: 12.0px Cambria; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">When your romantic relationship is right, every other problem in life feels a lot less difficult. You feel stronger, more capable of handling whatever life throws at you; there lies waiting for you in your romance a respite from the storms, a refuge from the chaos, and a resource for handling almost anything.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">When your romantic relationship is wrong, however, every other problem in life gets magnified. Nothing tastes as good, and everything feels heavier. This is because every event, every occurrence carries with it a reminder that your most significant relationship, what matters most to you, is at the core of your discouragement.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">So what makes the difference? What tips the scales towards your romantic relationship being either the right that makes everything easier, or the wrong that makes everything more difficult? In one word, priority.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYGlTKrEStUOv8gsnIAezWwdS8cufDOkXsQDUKpRFxXRme1qmPNeDkBWs2eVdUI2sslu-PH7lUkFKkFBDCbmVE8s-tjqHcu_6N8sFTPkmaJs7rOUv95n_2bA8grNhmQ1vQMhzXPqYV-Lk/s1600/breakfast+in+bed+pic+for+Hal+blog+post.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYGlTKrEStUOv8gsnIAezWwdS8cufDOkXsQDUKpRFxXRme1qmPNeDkBWs2eVdUI2sslu-PH7lUkFKkFBDCbmVE8s-tjqHcu_6N8sFTPkmaJs7rOUv95n_2bA8grNhmQ1vQMhzXPqYV-Lk/s320/breakfast+in+bed+pic+for+Hal+blog+post.jpg" width="233" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">You ever notice those moments that are so significant that they bring into clarity all other moments?</span></div>
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<li style="font: 12.0px Cambria; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Your baby’s being born, and there are some complications, and suddenly you don’t care about money—at all. Whatever it costs, doc, do it.</span></li>
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<li style="font: 12.0px Cambria; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">You finally get away for that anniversary trip, and the beauty and serenity of nature makes clear that you have been chasing after all the wrong things.</span></li>
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<li style="font: 12.0px Cambria; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">You connect with your spouse in such a sexually-charged way that it really does feel as if you’re the only two people in the universe, even though your kids are asleep in the next room.</span></li>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">All these moments carry weight because they refocus our priorities; we experience an authentic connection with what… matters… most.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Well, what are we supposed to do when those moments don’t seem to be happening enough? We’re not having any more children, or we’re not able to get away, or our romance seems distant at best. What do we do if life is not re-prioritizing itself for us?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">We do it ourselves. In the words of Cowboy Curly in City Slickers, all that matters in life is “one thing, just one thing. You stick to that, and all the rest don’t mean $h!t.” Now, Jack Palance doesn’t tell Billy Crystal what that one thing should be, but given what we know about the transcending power of our romantic connection (see above), I think we can figure it out.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">As long as we are trying to squeeze in time, energy, and effort toward keeping our most significant relationship alive and well, we will lose. The only way it happens is if it is our number one priority. Number one over our work. Number one over our extended family relationships. Number one over our friendships. And yes, even number one over our kids.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I’ve been telling my teenagers their whole lives that I love their mother more than I love them (just a little bit). My relationship with them is so dependent on my relationship with her, that I owe it to them to pursue her above all others. My marriage is my number one priority in all my human relationships, because that is the only way I will “find” the time necessary to nurture that relationship into the passionate, transcendent, and lifelong connection I crave the most.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Here are some practical applications of putting your romantic relationship in first place:</span><br />
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<li style="font: 12.0px Cambria; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Times for dinner dates, important decision-making conversations, trips together, and yes, sex sessions, get put on the calendar—just like doc appts, kids’ soccer games, and business mtgs.</span></li>
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<li style="font: 12.0px Cambria; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Great couples, who put that relationship in first place, usually schedule one relationship enhancement event a year, be it a marriage retreat, a few sessions of couples’ counseling, or at the very least a romantic getaway.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Most important—above all else—when your relationship is your greatest priority, you do NOT discuss problems in that relationship with anyone else first (unless you are working individually with a professional). This means you work hardest at authentically addressing your issues with each other, as uncomfortable as that may be, before you even think of complaining to your friends or family.</span></div>
<span class="”fullpost”"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07480054494186719905noreply@blogger.com0