I Stopped Parenting My Kids—Today

I’m done! This parenting thing, it is just too hard. I am declaring to the world, or at least to those that are reading this post, that, “I quit!” I have truly had enough of this whole process.

My decision is based upon logic, not emotion. I’ve thought long and hard about my decision and to tell you the truth, I’m happy with it. I’ve prayed about it and consulted others, and I have firmly settled on the option to surrender the role that I have assumed over the past five years. So for the sake of emphasis, let me repeat, “I am done parenting my kids!”

Here’s why...

I’ve tried to make sure that my kids are the people that I want them to be. I’ve set out clear cut goals for them to follow, but they seem to reject them at times. I have created a pathway that would ensure their happiness and success, but at times they choose a course that I have not prescribed. I’ve taken the time to plan their schedules, including the activities that are the most beneficial to them, but they seem unappreciative. My kids just want to do what they want to do. All of this has left me feeling frustrated and a bit annoyed.

The Most Frustrating Thing

I feel frustrated at the fact that I have enforced consequences, but they don’t seem to be working. I’ve taken things, called all the time-outs that I have at my disposal, but my kids keep on making the same mistakes. I just don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how else to respond. It usually ends in some sort of blow up, with a lot of crying, screaming and pouting.

That’s why I’ve decided to quit—to stop parenting the way that I have been. I realized that the way I have been approaching the idea of parenting has contributed to my own unhappiness and resentment. I’ve been trying to control my kids. When that hasn’t worked, I’ve tried to coerce and even manipulate them so that they will do what I wanted them to do and be who I wanted them to be. It hasn’t been effective! As a matter of fact, it has driven us apart.

The Choice to Lead

As parents, we have been given the greatest leadership responsibility known to man. What kind of leaders do we want to be? I want to be the type of leader that invites my kids to follow me. Invite them, because of my actions, my demeanor and my calm. My desire is not to bark commands, but to inform my kids of their choices.

Great leaders set direction, but at the same time they realize that they may not always be followed. Our kids have to choose to follow us. Sometimes they elect to test the boundaries of life. They are doing this because they are seeking to understand the space around their lives. We can be intimidated by it, or we can accept it and choose to be the resource that can help our children navigate their way around their space.

Now, I am charting a new course for my parenting journey. One that focuses a lot more on me and my actions and less on my kids and their actions. No longer am I trying to dictate and make them live the dream that I have for their lives, but now I am appreciating the fact that their lives belong to them. I am their tour guide through life. This role allows me to witness the lives that they will choose to live.

I like parenting better this way. It actually helps me love and appreciate my kids even more.

The ScreamFree Chauffeur

I remember when my kids were little. Occasionally, they would get fussy, and the only hope for getting them to sleep was a nice, slow drive in a warm minivan with some peaceful, classical music playing.

Now they’re old enough to be bored in the backseat. One of them asks 400 questions per hour, and the other two do dreadful, vicious, horrible things such as...wait for it...looking at one another.

The truth is, children feel relatively safe in cars. They know that your disciplinary options decrease as the distance from your front door increases. They may have a vague awareness that consequences await them upon arrival, but there are several factors that keep this from being much of a deterrent.

For example, they know that discipline lies, quite literally, at some point down the road. The longer the journey, the longer you have to cool down and forget about how badly they behaved. They also know that there will be witnesses once you get where you’re going. They figure you’re not going to really throw down in front of those other law-abiding citizens.

So, how do you keep the vehicle running smoothly -- especially with all the trips to the mall and the store and the swim party and soccer practice and grandma’s house and summer camp and...whew! I’m out of breath just thinking of it all!

To begin with you might consider keeping a small bag of books, toys and games in the car to occupy time. Play the alphabet game by trying to find each letter on signs as you drive by. The winner gets to drive.

Uh...okay...maybe not.

How about some age-appropriate trivia? Name three candy bars that begin with the letter “M”. Which color is the most common color for other cars? How far away do you think that bridge is?

Of course, you can’t head off every bit of trouble, so I’ve got four things for you to keep in mind. Most are based on a single principle, which is this: When you can’t discipline, discipline when you can. In other words, if you are unable to immediately respond to car trouble, fix the trouble when you do stop.

One: When chauffeuring your kids around, tell them before you leave what level of peace you want en route. Also, tell them that you will turn the car around if you don’t get it. Also, mean it when you say it. Actually follow through if you must. You may want to just call it a day after that, or you may call for a “do-over” and try again. That’s your call. Transportation is a privilege not a right. Privileges are earned in our house through responsible behavior.

Two: “If you don’t stop that this instant, I will pull this car over” has been used so many times it’s lost some of its power, which is a shame because it’s a very helpful option. If you can find a safe place, pull over and sit for a minute. It won’t take long for them to realize that this is eating into valuable pool or shopping or party time. Require a few minutes of peace and quiet before moving on. You can pull over as many times as you like -- or you can decide to only pull over once and head for home if there’s a second offense.

Three: Timeout in the car at the destination. If you endure 13 minutes of chaos en route, force them to sit in the car for 13 minutes once they arrive. Just sitting in the car, watching their friends skate and have fun, thinking of how they could be out there, too.

Four: At the start of each trip, the kids each get, say, four tickets. Every infraction costs them a ticket. Each lost ticket leads to some consequence: a 10-minute timeout, a 200-word essay or a $5.00 fine. You could also reverse this one and hand out tickets for infractions -- you know, like the police do. Consequences are served upon arrival, or later at home.

The key to avoiding car trouble is to abandon the idea that discipline must be immediate to be effective. That may be the ideal situation for toddlers and preschoolers, but discipline quickly becomes logistically more complicated as they get older. That’s why it’s always better to do something, even if it’s later or somewhere else, than to do nothing just because it happened 26 miles ago.

If all else fails, find your favorite radio station, blast the volume and sing as loudly as you can! Your kids will collapse into a catatonic state, but they’ll snap out of it as soon as they can safely escape from the car and tell their friends how weird you are! 

The Thing Most Remembered: A Lesson for Dads

Last week I had the privilege of spending some wonderful quality time with my kids. As a dad of a 4 and 3 year old, our time together is usually spent doing something active on the floor like rolling around or wrestling. The truth is, I am trying really hard to wear them out so that they will go right to sleep at bedtime, but it is usually to no avail. On one particular day it was like normal, I was running around “play fighting” with my son as he was pretending to be Captain America and I was the unknown, evil villain. My daughter Jordan even joined the cast of our epic “battle.” If this sounds violent to you, please don’t judge me, forstudies show that this type of roughhousing is common for fathers and can bequite helpful.

A Painful Lesson

Eventually, my son began doing something else, but Jordan and I kept going. She soon started chasing me around while she punched at the air. She would hit me in the leg a few times and I would run away. In the middle of one of our “rounds,” my attention was suddenly shifted by a text message that came through on my iPhone. I stopped all of a sudden, walked away from her and began reading this “important” message. I had taken my attention off of my daughter and assumed that she would see that daddy had stopped playing. I was wrong. She didn’t notice and she kept punching away into the air until she reached a certain area of my body. Yep...THAT AREA!

As I found myself keeled over in pain, my little girl noticed that she had hurt her daddy. In the middle of my groans and my pleas that God would grant me a semblance of mercy, I heard my daughter’s attempt to get my attention. “Daddy,” she said. Through my tears I looked at her and responded, “Yeeeesss, baby.” Jordan said, “I’m sorry.”

Her apology should have settled it, but it didn’t because I observed the look on her face. She was smiling! SMILING! In the midst of my pain, my 3 year old had the nerve to smile as if everything should just be okay. A grown man is on the ground in a fetal position! Everything is NOT okay!

The Thing Most Remembered

Jordan repeated herself to make sure I heard her. G After all we’ve taught her to repeat herself when someone doesn’t acknowledge her. Doing so shows maturity and commands respect. Unfortunately, her dad was about to behave in a very immature manner, for all I could see was the smile on her face. I interpreted her smile as proof that the situation was funny to her, so I “maturely” barked out, “It’s not funny, Jordan!” I then gingerly guided her away from me. Real mature, I know! “Way to go ScreamFree guy.”

My wife was present for this entire episode, but she was unaware of Jordan’s apology attempt. She calmly explained to our daughter the importance of not punching boys “down there.” She then encouraged her to apologize. Jordan sadly told her that she had apologized, but that daddy just moved her aside. Suddenly the pain in my inward parts disappeared and a new one emerged - the emotional pain that I had just inflicted upon my daughter by my immature actions.

What stuck out to Jordan wasn’t the fact that her dad was on the floor in pain. The thing most remembered by her was how I responded to it. This occurrence made me think back to many of the times that I had reacted emotionally to my kids. I’ve noticed how their countenance tends to fall, how their shoulders drop and how emotional they become. Now, I finally understand what all of those experts talk about when they say that fathers play a crucial role in the cognitive, behavioral and emotional development of their kids.

How dads respond, interact and love their kids has a real impact on what they do and who they will one day become. We are responsible to them as fathers for the way in which we behave. How we behave ultimately will be the thing most remembered by those “little ones” we love so much.

Staying Sane During Summer Break

Question: What is a six letter word that brings joy to teachers and strikes fear in the hearts of many parents?

Answer: Summer! While many parents, myself included, are excited about the lazy days of summer, they also understand that too much of a good thing can be, well, too much. The initial excitement about getting to sleep in and having the freedom to do “whatever” can quickly turn into “How am I going to keep these kids entertained all summer?” So while teachers rejoice, let’s look at a couple of strategies to calm our parental fears about summer.

1. Have a little structure in your summer. It’s tempting to throw the schedule to the wind once summer vacation hits, but, as my 13 year old wisely pointed out, no structure at all leads to chaos. So our family instituted a “lightweight” structure for each weekday morning. Each child needs to accomplish five things before lunch time, all of which can be done within one hour or so. They include reading (about 15-20 minutes), writing (either in response to their writing or adding 5 items to our family gratitude journal), light chores (wiping down the bathroom counters, watering the plants, etc.), practicing their new skill (see below), and Bible reading. They have a chart to mark off their completion of each item, and while they protested at first, they know that these five things aren’t going to take up too much time.
2. Limit screen time. Let me say this up front. This is NOT easy, and while we may get the initial pushback from our kids, the reward is far greater. The creativity required to entertain themselves IS the reward. In fact, yesterday I watched sibling rivalry melt away as two of my kids built forts with every couch cushion in the house.
3. Learn a new skill. The school year is often too busy with homework and after school activities to devote much time to something like this. Maybe your child has been interested in the guitar or piano. The summer might be the perfect time to try it out.  How about teaching your elementary school aged child how to make cookies? Or maybe your high schooler needs to learn how to do laundry? My daughter, who is entering middle school this fall, will be learning to type this summer, and I plan on teaching all of my kids how to paint when I repaint our playroom. (I know…shameless child labor!)
4. Create a family bucket list. Don’t forget to add in the fun! Have each member of your family come up with their own list and then enjoy sharing them. Be creative and make sure to include freebie ones, too! Here are a few to get you started:
   • Go fishing.
   • Make homemade ice cream.
   • Have a water balloon fight.
   • Play miniature golf.
   • Visit an amusement park.
   • Catch fireflies.
   • Go on a hike.
5. Take time for yourself. Or, as we say at ScreamFree, put on your own oxygen mask first! Having your kids around all summer can quickly drain you, so make sure you are refilling your own tank. Take care of yourself by focusing on YOU. This could mean grabbing your favorite magazine and heading to the backyard hammock for 15 minutes. It might mean going on a walk by yourself or having a girls’/guys’ night out. Whatever it looks like, realize that you will be a much better mom or dad if you are refreshed.
6. Nurture your marriage. Having the kids around ALL THE TIME can put a real strain on your marriage as well, so make sure you are scheduling in some couple time. If you can’t afford a babysitter, rent the kids a video and then retreat to the dining room for a nice dinner.

So with a little planning, a lot of flexibility, and a healthy dose of me-time, you might just utter the words you’ve always wanted to hear: This was the best summer ever!

Avoiding the Chore Wars

Ah...summertime. The living is easy. The fish are jumping. The cotton is high.

And your house is a disaster!

With kids out of school and laying around the house all day, how in the world are you supposed to be able to keep it livable in there? It’s time to get serious about chores.

Chores are loaded with life lessons. Chores remind us that living indoors is a privilege that comes with responsibilities. Chores foster a sense of shared ownership and a respect for property. Chores are previews of what it’s like to work in the real world.

In short, chores help us prepare our children for life on their own, and those lessons are best taught young. Introduce kids to the value of work early on, before they become allergic to it later.

In the beginning, you’ll have to do most of the heavy lifting, but your effort is aimed toward the future. As with any behavior, a little work on the front end will pay hefty dividends in days to come. As your child internalizes some sense of responsibility, the need for parental prodding decreases.

I’ve found that little ones love to help out, especially if they think chores are for grown-ups. Take full advantage of a toddler’s penchant to imitate by giving them their own rag to help wipe the table or dry their sippy cup. Let them hold onto the broom while you vacuum. Odds are they’ll make as much of a mess as they clean, but you’re nurturing something positive in them -- a sense that their help is appreciated and expected.

Preschoolers can put away puzzles or toss their cup into the sink. They can help set the table, put clothes where they belong and keep common areas from violating too many health codes.

Joint ventures are always a good option. In our house, we found that our kids give us twice as much help if we do chores with them. For example, I may wash and one of my daughters will dry. But you don’t always have to be present. In fact, some things should be solely your child’s responsibility. On the whole, however, timing your work to coincide with hers should improve her output -- and her outlook.

Another good thing about shared chores: they have a way of allowing your child the opportunity to open up about what she is thinking or feeling. The highly elusive “quality time” we’ve all heard about often shows up spontaneously while folding the laundry or emptying the dishwasher. Chores are often prime times for our kids to talk to us -- even if it is just because we’re the only ones around!

Of course, as kids get older more activities compete for their time. So, it might behoove you to structure your expectations. You may need some strategies for making children’s chores less work for you than for them. Also, most kids are content to do nothing for 10 or 11 weeks from June to August. Your “To Do” list doesn’t always jive with their “Will Do” list. So, how do you keep a four-minute chore from becoming a 40-minute war?

Below are some suggestions for making chores less of a challenge.

First, make a list of household duties you would like from your kids. Then, divide the list into family chores (things that are expected because the child is part of the family) and paying chores (things that are linked to an allowance or that the child can do to pick up some extra cash).

Second, tell your kids that they can only do the paying chores if the family chores are up to date. Also, tell them that any daily duty (a “core chore”) must be complete before any privileges begin. In other words, no TV, computer, phone, pool, friends, etc. are available until the bathroom has been fumigated.

For younger children, you might want to construct a chore wheel. List household tasks or rooms to be cleaned, and everyone spins the wheel for an assigned task until all have been delegated. A variation of this includes flipping a coin to decide who washes and who dries, pulling chores out of a hat or tossing a velcro ball at a chore chart.

That last one might actually develop some hand-eye coordination. They’ll learn to hit the two-inch square that says, “Clean the computer screen” from across the room while avoiding the two-foot poster that says, “Clean out the refrigerator”. 

Setting Boundaries With Grandma...and Grandpa Too!

It’s one of those trips that you take that most in your household really look forward to...the trip to grandma’s house. The kid’s are definitely excited. You....maybe not so much.

It’s not that you don’t like seeing your parents or in-laws, but walking through their door can bring up a tremendous amount of anxiety. The type of anxiety that transforms their house from whatever version of quaint it is actually to that house in which Anthony Perkins resides in the movie Psycho. You might appreciate the smell of fresh baked goodies emanating from its interior, but despite the inviting smell, you don’t want to go in.

Your aversion likely stems from the fact that you know something happens when your parents get around your kids. Any sort of order that you had going with your kids can sometimes be undone within a couple of days of visiting. 

Sometimes, over-eager, well-meaning grandparents let certain rules that we normally enforce slide. They just might give our kids more dessert than we believe is humanly possible to digest. They may wait on our kids, hand and foot and ignore the idea of them picking up after themselves. They buy them things even when their behavior displays that they don’t deserve it. They just seem too doggone permissive. If we are honest, sometimes that just scares us silly.

So how do we deal with grandparents that seem to cross the boundaries we’ve set for our children?

How to Deal With Boundary Crossing Grandparents

1. Have a Conversation

As parents, one of our jobs is to set boundaries. Another job that we have is to communicate those boundaries to others. It is easy to think that our kids are the only ones that need to know the boundaries, but the truth is, grandparents need to know what boundary lines have been drawn as well. They need to know the lines and they need to honor them.

A conversation about boundaries and limits needs to happen, even before a visit to Grandma’s. It might prove helpful to make a phone call to the grandparents a week before the visit so that you can inform them of the rules you have in place regarding dinner, dessert, cleanliness, gifts, etc. Calmly represent yourself and your preferences to them. Additionally, continue to calmly represent yourself to them even during your visit. 

2. Include Them More 

Have you ever gotten the impression that your parents may be trying to make up for lost time with your kids? Like they are trying to pack in as much as they can with them while they are able? If so, maybe this is why they are acting like over-eager squirrels preparing for winter, when in the sight of our children.

Dealing with this issue requires that we spend more time looking at ourselves than we do at our parents. We should begin by asking ourselves questions. Questions such as, “How can mom and dad be included more in our children’s activities and events?” or “Can we make more of an effort to visit our parents a little more often?” 

Having important family members in the presence of our children more often can do a lot to lessen their (our parents) anxiety and our own as well. The more our parents can see us parenting our children, the better.

3. Understand that Your Home is Your Child’s Training Ground, but the Training Must be Tested

What are we preparing our children to do? We are training them to survive without us and we are teaching them how to make decisions on their own. Assuredly, there will come a time when that training will be tested. The results of the test will communicate something to the one being tested as well as to the teacher. As our child’s most influential teacher, how well have we prepared them to make decisions outside of our nest and independent of our watchful eyes? 

How will our children respond to Grandma’s unintentional attempt to spoil them? Who knows! Whatever the outcome, it can lead to some excellent conversations with our kids.

ScreamFree parents never have to fear the Grands. They can see each visit as an excellent opportunity to remain calm, focus on themselves and test the training that they’ve administered. 

Girls Gone Wedding

So you’re getting married! Congratulations! Such an exciting time in your life! Now onto planning the big day. 

Planning a wedding can be such a fun adventure. I got engaged 19 years ago, long before the days of endless wedding ideas on Pinterest, Say Yes to the Dress, and Four Weddings. When my husband and I planned our wedding, brainstorming involved looking through the latest issue of Bride’s Magazine. I know. I know. Yes, even admitting this makes me feel old! Today, I’m utterly amazed at the options afforded to couples who are planning their weddings. Seeing all of the creative photography ideas, wedding themes, and cake creations almost makes me want to plan mine all over again…until I remember the endless decisions that had to be made and how I often felt like the planning was a part time job. 

One of the biggest mistakes couple make in planning their wedding is that the couple doesn’t plan the wedding. The bride does. Now don’t get me wrong. Few boys grow up dreaming of their ideal tux and I don’t know of any teenage boy who has a Pinterest board labeled “Wedding Fantasies,” but who is getting married? Just the bride? Seriously! Have you seen any TLC shows about men planning their weddings? Nope. Just women trying on too-expensive dresses or planning a wedding that they hope will beat out three other weddings to win a lavish honeymoon.

Planning a wedding has the potential to set in place patterns that will continue throughout a marriage.  It can become a classic marital bombshell. What I mean is this…the bride takes charge, making most of the decisions regarding the wedding; meanwhile, the groom sits back, letting her control the situation.  Over time this pattern can take root, especially around big decisions (kids, home, etc.). This seemed convenient for both initially. She wanted to plan the wedding; he didn’t care one way or the other. But eventually, that pattern (she takes charge, while he sits back) isn’t so fun. Over time, she grows resentful, even bitter that he’s not more involved. Meanwhile he can’t figure out why she’s so upset; he thought they’d arranged things so that both of them were happy.

Last time I checked, the bride and the groom show up at the wedding.  So why not have the bride and the groom participate in the planning? I realize that many brides don’t like that idea because they have everything already picked out and they don’t want to give up some of that control. And frankly, many grooms might not like that idea either because they don’t really care about the details.  I realize that planning a wedding doesn’t seem like a monumental event that could set your marriage on the wrong course, but why not choose to create healthy patterns from the start? Why not use this time to learn how to negotiate, how to work together on a project, how to blend your lives now?  

Allow me to speak to each of you.

Brides:  Even if your parents are paying for the wedding, this is not just YOUR wedding.  Don’t be a control freak!  Include your groom in the planning. It doesn’t have to be 50-50, but the taste, traditions, and theme should reflect both of you. If he’s overwhelmed by the details, offer him fewer choices. (Which of these 3 bouquets do you like? Would you rather have a round cake or a square one?) 

Grooms:  Be involved. This is your wedding, too, so have an opinion. Don’t sit back and simply show up. Find aspects of the wedding that interest you and express your opinion, knowing that your experience of the wedding will be that much richer.

You’ve heard this before, but it bears repeating. Your wedding is one day but your marriage lasts a lifetime, so set your sights on how you want your marriage to look as you prepare your wedding, and who knows…maybe TLC will start calling.