Kids and Stress

Stress is a part of everyone’s life even kids and even more so with a new school year just beginning. Don’t think that because they are young that they don’t know what it feels like to be anxious and stressed about situations that come into their daily lives. What they might not know is how to deal with it constructively. That is where you come in as a parent who can help them gain the skills they need to constructively deal with stress and anxiety.

What is Stress?

Stress is our response to situations that occur in our lives. The responses are physical, mental, financial and spiritual.  Many of the physical changes take place involuntarily. For instance, you get stomach cramps when you think about having to deal with a difficult coworker.  I am sure nearly everyday we encounter different scenarios that fall into the stressful category.

It works the same for kids except that they lack the experience to put their feelings and situations into words. For this reason, many parents may think their kids are not experiencing stress at all but may consider it to be something else. But, they don’t have to struggle with bills or a job to have the results of their stress manifest in their young lives.  Today, our kids are bombarded with pressure from peers, school, sports and sometimes even with expectations and situations in our own homes.

How to Help your Child Cope with their Stressors

Learning how to help your child will take a practiced eye on your part. Get to know your child’s moods so you can discern when something is up with them.  More than often a mom has that key intuition that is triggered when something is not right.  Don’t ignore that – ask questions and try to initiate conversation to uncover the stressor.

Think about how stress affects you. Are there sleepless nights? How about poor eating habits or headaches from not eating at all? Are you sick all the time or cranky at the least little thing? Recognize the signs of stress.

No one wants their child to suffer discomfort. If you see that something is different about them, here are some ways to help them articulate what they are going through.

Notice what is going on – This involves telling them that you have noticed they have changed in some way.   Let them know you are concerned and want to help if you can. This could be the doorway that allows them to open up to you.  Be careful to not pressure and nag for them to let you in.  This will only make the situation more difficult.

Listen without judgment – Practice listening to them. Try not to let your emotions show on your face. This is where being a ScreamFree Parenting really comes into play.  Keeping your emotions in check to response rather than react will let them know they can trust you to not blow up.  Let them speak without interruption. Consider everything that they have said before speaking in response.

Help them sort out their feelings – Kids may not know what they are feeling. You can put a word to their emotions so they can better express themselves now and in the future. For example, if they don’t know which way to go then they are experiencing confusion. 

Come up with solutions together – Brainstorm with them about ways to solve the issue they are facing. If one doesn’t work, reassure them that you can try another.  Ask questions to get them into the problem solving mode rather than you just giving them your ideas.

Comfort them – Sometimes nothing needs to be said. They just want their parent to give a big hug. 

Teach coping skills – Burn off steam through exercise or some other activity you can do as a family. Exercise has been known to reduce stress levels.

Kids get stressed – there are many situations they will be faced with that contribute to stress.  As a parent, you can do more to help them than others, so tune in now in order so they may learn appropriate ways to cope with stress.

Susan Heid is the mom behind The Confident Mom where she loves inspiring moms to make small changes managing their home and family life giving them more time, order and less stress! As a Certified Parent Coach, Family Manager Coach and ScreamFree Certified Leader she enjoys sharing her expertise with moms through workshops, individual and online group coaching.  She is a proud mother of 4, married to her very own prince charming, loves coffee, cloudy days, and does think the “bluest skies you’ve ever seen are in Seattle.”

 

Back to School Blues-Part 3

Back to School Blues-Part 3

In honor of the most wonderful time of the year - back to school, we are concluding our series entitled “Back to School Blues.”  In this series, Kelvin Teamer, ScreamFree Institute Fellow teams up with one of our ScreamFree Certified Leaders, Jessica McKeown to help parents learn how to navigate their way through the minefield of emotions that typically come with this annual rite of passage.  Jessica and her husband live in Fairbanks, Alaska where she works as a Parent Educator.

"I have the power!" This was a statement made by the 1980s cartoon character, He-Man. If you don’t know He-Man’s story, let me fill you in. He-Man was really a mild-mannered prince from a mythological land called Eternia. Whenever trouble popped up and the world needed a hero, Adam would hold up his sword and transform himself into the super strong He-Man. When he changed his appearance, he would then inform anyone that was in ear-shot about his new found power. Maybe it is time parents become the hero in their households and begin using the power that they already have.

When parents stop picking up gauntlets thrown down by their children and begin focusing on their part of testy situations, they can enjoy power that they have previously given away. Using this power can look a lot like this:

Child:  Dad!  I don’t have my science folder!  I need it!  

Dad:  Sounds like you’re going to need to check the house for where you might have left it.

You could stop arguing over homework:

Child:  Mom!  My report for social studies is due tomorrow, but I didn’t start it yet.  You have to help me research it!

Mom:  If you would have asked for help earlier, I might have been able to brainstorm with you.  Its 10 o’clock and I have to wake up early for work.  I hope you get it done.

Can you imagine what it would be like to avoid these conflicts?  You would have so much time and energy!  You would help your children learn responsibility and consequences.  You would be aware of your part in the conflict and could choose to respond differently, perhaps with calm and authority.  The pattern you had been in before - the one that lead to frustration, could be broken.  Think about it,doing the same thing over and over, while expecting a different outcome, has been described as the definition for insanity.  I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready to lose my marbles over a squabble with my child.  

One of the most important things to remember as a parent is that you are in charge of your own self and your reactions.  Sometimes we may think our reactions are justified because our child’s behavior warranted such outbursts from us.  The fact of the matter is, no one can make us do anything.  We are in charge of how we participate in conflict.  It’s time for a positive change.  Besides, who has the energy or desire to intentionally allow himself or herself to go insane?  I would venture to say none of us do.

Instead of trying to convince yourself that the start to this school year will be conflict free, convince yourself, or give yourself permission, to change your patterns.  Your part in the conflicts that can surround school preparations can be minimized this year if you allow yourself time to pause.  Keep emotional reactivity at bay by responding to your child, not reacting.  

Back to School Blues-Part 2

In honor of the most wonderful time of the year - back to school, we are continuing our series entitled “Back to School Blues.”  In this series, Kelvin Teamer, ScreamFree Institute Fellow teams up with one of our ScreamFree Certified Leaders, Jessica McKeown to help parents learn how to navigate their way through the minefield of emotions that typically come with this annual rite of passage.  Jessica and her husband live in Fairbanks, Alaska where she works as a Parent Educator.

The “Throw Down”

Has anyone out there ever had a “throw down” with his/her child? Those are the gauntlet tossing invitations for battle that our kids periodically place at our feet. When these invitations are accepted by parents, particularly at the beginning of the school year, it results in a battle of that may sound something like this:

Child: Mom! I don’t want to eat in the cafeteria. That food is gross! I hate my Barbie lunch box. I’m in third grade now! That’s for babies!

Mom: Well, what do you want me to do about it? School starts tomorrow and I have to pack your lunch because you refuse to eat in the cafeteria. I can’t believe you are waiting until the last minute to tell me you need a new lunch box! We’ll go to Target after school to get you a new one.

Did you notice the gauntlets that were thrown down by the child? First, she suggests to mom that she doesn’t want to eat in the cafeteria (gauntlet #1). This prompts mom to jump in and solve that particular problem by fixing her lunch (picking up gauntlet #1).  Notice that mom says that,“I have to pack your lunch.”  This statement is then followed up with the throwing down of another gauntlet - that of her desire not to carry the Barbie lunchbox (gauntlet #2). How does mom respond? By picking up the gauntlet, yet again. 

By not picking up those gauntlets, the conversation could have gone a lot like this:

Child:  Mom! I hate my Barbie lunch box. I’m in third grade now! That’s for babies!

Mom:  Bummer! Since tomorrow is the first day of school, it looks like you’ll either have to pack your own lunch in your Barbie lunch box or eat cafeteria food for lunch. What are you going to do?

Mom put the problem back on to her child, enabling the child to make a decision. The child was presented with a choice, carry the lunch box or eat in the cafeteria. Both are reasonable options, the child just has to choose. Neither option is going to make a lasting, negative impression on the child; to her ego or to her digestive system. What is going to make a lasting impression is giving her choices, which will build independent thinking. Mom’s calmness about the situation will also make a lasting impression.  With a calm approach, Mom communicates to the child that she will not take the bait thereby throwing the gauntlet(s) away.

What gauntlets have already been thrown down by your child(ren)? How did you respond? Did you pick it up or leave it on the ground? We want to know!

Back to School Blues

In honor of the most wonderful time of the year - back to school, we are beginning a three week series entitled “Back to School Blues.”  In this series, Kelvin Teamer, ScreamFree Institute Fellow, teams up with one of our ScreamFree Certified Leaders, Jessica McKeown to help parents learn how to navigate their way through the minefield of emotions that typically come with this annual rite of passage.  Jessica and her husband live in Fairbanks, Alaska where she works as a Parent Educator.

Here we go folks, another school year. Though we are excited to add a little structure to our kid’s lives, ironically we may be dreading its arrival. The reason being is that many of us have enjoyed a relaxing, peace-filled, unstructured summer with our offspring and the thought of another nine months of sleep-deprived, over-scheduled, homework-driven conflict with our kids doesn’t exactly make us feel warm and fuzzy.

Have you noticed that this time of year is often filled with conflict and arguments? As you already know, conflict happens when two different forces come up against one another. Every August and September these forces seem to engage in battles of Olympic proportions.  Parent versus child, with each looking to win the gold medal. The big question for parents, however is, “How are you contributing to the pattern of conflict?  It is entirely possible that we can learn to enjoy our kid’s educational experience if we learn to focus on our part of the problem. If we refrained from knee-jerk responses when speaking with our kids, could we defuse an argument?  Yes.  By changing one reaction, a whole argument can be averted.  For us, it all starts with a pause while in the midst of a throw down.

These “throw downs” between us and our children seem to occur more often during the school year. Why is that? It’s because this is the time of year where our anxiety seems to skyrocket. We are concerned about our kids adjusting to school, new teachers and new expectations. We become overly focused on how they are going to handle all of that. Will they succeed or crumble underneath all the pressure?

Did you notice that the previous paragraph was all about your kids? See, that’s where the real problem comes into play. Whenever we become focused on those forces that we can’t control; our kids, anxiety spikes and eventually...you guessed it, we lose it. It seems that we do this every year. Are we tired of that yet?

The real key is to begin paying attention to our own functioning in the midst of all that is going on around us. So as you load up that cart at Target or Wal-Mart with paper, folders, pencils and backpacks and send them out of the door or on the bus, get in touch with the natural anxiety that flows from such a process. Decide on the type of parent you want to be this school year. Cast your gaze there rather than on the type of student you want them to be.

So, what type of parent do you want to be this year?  Let us know.

Back to School Cool

By: Hal Runkel Making the transition from a holiday to the grind of school routines isn't easy. But it can be ScreamFree. It is easy to lose our cool during the transition back to school, especially considering that it is roughly the temperature of molten lava outside. If you are interested in your child (and you!) having a cool year of school, it’s time to change your thinking a bit. Here are three points about this particular year’s Back-to-School transition that all parents should consider in order to remain ScreamFree: 1. No one has done this particular transition before. Sure, you’ve done the back-to-school thing, but each kid and each parent is now a year older, most likely entering a new grade, and largely unaware of what the next year brings. All of that means we parents should take the emotional lead by approaching this time with honest humility and questions, rather than arrogant answers and assumptions. Having a curious attitude about what this year will hold is so much better than jumping to conclusions and ignoring the concerns of your child. What does this look like? Maybe it means actually asking (and then listening to) what your kids are saying about something like school supply needs. Just last night, my daughter and I almost went head to head over this very issue. Thankfully, I was thinking about this article and somehow found a way to pause. She started begging for a new backpack. Now, her bag from last year looked perfectly fine to me. No rips. No tears. I wanted to tell her that she shouldn’t care so much about looks and that a new one was out of the question, but then I had a thought. Why not really talk to her about this? Why not come to a conclusion about the need for a new backpack through cooperative investigation rather than authoritarian presumption? Why not be ScreamFree about it all? Hmmm…. As it turned out, she wasn’t at all concerned about the look of her bag, but rather the size. She was worried about how many textbooks 6th graders will need. She was actually asking for something far more valuable than a new accessory. She wanted reassurance about her new schedule, her new workload, her new responsibilities. I almost missed a great opportunity because I assumed that we had done this before and I knew what was best. So, I asked questions and she opened up. And for the record, we both came to the conclusion that last year’s book bag will work out just fine. 2. Optimism is most effective when it is NOT imposed. We all want our kids to have a “great year.” And believe it or not, that’s what ythey want as well. You might not have picked up on that with all of the lamenting they do toward the end of summer, but it’s there. It is our tendency to negate all the fears and complaints our kids have about school starting because we know how important a positive attitude is in determining that “great year”. But that's not our job. Hear me clearly: It is absolutely our job as leaders to lead with optimism about the future. We have to come to a place of maturity and faith to believe that the future has plenty of reason for excitement. But we make a critical mistake when we try to impose that optimistic view on everyone else. Doing so makes us come across as needy and nervous. Whenever we say, "Come on, you should be excited! This is going to be a great year!" we are playing cheerleaders trying to convince our frightened or apathetic kids that everything is going to be just swell. Instead, they hear, “Come on, I can’t handle you being moody or scared or insecure because that means that I have somehow failed. I NEED you to be excited about this upcoming school year or I’m going to feel like a bad parent!” Simply convince yourself that it is going to be a great year and watch their attitudes follow. Yes, let’s tell our kids that we’re excited and we really believe in a positive future. Yes, let’s tell them this from a genuine point of mature, individual, faith in that belief. But let’s also remember this: what they feel about this upcoming year is up to them—Give your kids some emotional space to struggle with their fears and worries without trying to either minimize or amplify them, and then sit back and watch them soak up your positivity without even having to try. 3. It’s the little changes that prepare us for the biggest ones. When a transition is clear and unavoidable, there is no excuse for a lack of preparation. One of the biggest mistakes I see parents make in preparing for the school year is the last-minute summer vacation, with the whole family arriving home the day or two before school starts. This is an automatic recipe for a very difficult first week of school. Back-to-school is a transition that’s been on the calendar for months, and we all know that even with the best preparation around bedtime and sleep schedules, there are going to be some exhausted kids those first two weeks or so. By all means, use the week prior to ease everyone, including yourself, back into a school-friendly routine. Start cutting back on bedtimes 15 minutes each night until it’s back to usual. Start waking kids up 15 minutes earlier each day, ushering them into a shower and a change of clothes. You can even work with your kids by going online or calling the school to find out when lunch is scheduled for each kid, and begin getting their bodies ready for that meal schedule. Sure, these are little changes, but as in most areas of life, it’s the little changes that prepare us for the bigger ones. Transitions like going back to school can be difficult, that’s for sure. But they can also be incredible growth opportunities. It all depends on how you look at things. If you’re willing to become more coachable than correct, more optimistic than overbearing, and more intentional than intense these last few days before school actually starts, you and your child are off to one “great year” no matter what lies ahead

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

"What is important is to keep learning, to enjoy challenge, and to tolerate ambiguity. In the end there are no certain answers." -Martina Horner, US Educator

ScreamFree's Take

Hi everyone Jenny here. I saw this quote and I had to pipe in on this one because of what just happened today. If you’ll indulge me… This week, my son Brandon asked me to come up to his school for the annual book fair. I was in the middle of cooking dinner, doing laundry, and trying to fix a broken heel at the time, so I gave him a halfhearted nod and told him that I would see what I could do. As it turned out, I had a fortuitous break in my schedule the next day and I was able to drive over and make the fair just as his class was entering. When he saw me, the genuine look of surprise and joy on his face was a much better greeting than I had expected. He ran across the room and squeezed me tight for a good thirty seconds. As he pulled back, I asked him why he was so excited. He looked me dead in the eye and said, “Because you heard me last night.” He then took me around the room greeting all of his friends telling them, “My mom listened last night about the book fair! I thought she didn’t even hear me, but she did!” All of us want to be heard. Kids are no different. Extend your respect to them simply by making a little extra effort to listen when they talk to you. You will learn so much more about them and relate so much better to them if you do. -Jenny Runkel, Co-founder of ScreamFree

The Power of Vision in Becoming ScreamFree

As a ScreamFree Leader and seasoned Lifestyle Coach, I still need fresh tools to be the parent that I can be proud of! One of the latest tools that I’ve implemented is a vision board to help support the feelings of closeness, mutual respect and understanding that I want to experience with my 11 year old daughter.

A vision board is simple. It’s like one of those collages you used to do when you were a teen. However, a vision board is a collage with a mission, purpose, and well…vision.

Here’s how you start. First, identify what it is you want to experience in your relationship with your child. When it comes to identifying wants, it’s often helpful to start with “don’t wants.” Don’t wants pop up easily! These are all the things that push your buttons, drive you crazy and interfere with you becoming ScreamFree in the first place. For example, maybe you don’t want to see dirty laundry on the floor, don’t want to have to wait in the driveway for your kids to come out as they are getting progressively late for school, and you are becoming progressively late for your first appointment. You get the idea. List these don’t wants and let them shine light on what you Do Want to experience as a parent.

Maybe you want to feel close, connected, have fun together, and celebrate. Make a quick list of how you want to feel in your parental relationship. Now, go through the myriad of catalogues, fliers and magazines that invariably land in your mailbox. You can also use an image search engine and print images. The idea is to clip images that portray how you want to feel in your relationship with your child.

On my vision board, I found a mom and a young teen daughter embracing. I felt this paved the way for a future of happiness and closeness with my daughter. Images of “super mom” in flight made me feel happy and light, and filled with self-gratitude. I included that one. I also included an image of a mom meditating by a lake to inspire me to get peaceful and quiet inside. A vision board of this type, does not have to be a depiction of what you literally want. It’s a tool to see how you want to feel.

Now, post your vision board in a prominent place. You’ll want to see it every day. What happens when you see something, it engages the reticular activating system in the brain, and subconsciously you will begin to seek and create these feelings in your life. Move the vision board from time to time, so that it doesn’t fade into the background and become ignored.

Enjoy this project that can be accomplished with an inexpensive foam board and some thumb tacks. Use tacks, not glue, because you’ll be achieving your ScreamFree vision in short order, and will want to create a new vision board to activate another level of success in your life.

Carla C. Hugo offers Key Coaching for Family Harmony and Wellness. She is a Coach U trained coach, EFT Practitioner, Certified ScreamFree Parenting Leader and graduate of the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. Do you believe that Peace on Earth begins at Home? Are you ready to clean up your home life and take your health to the next level? Visit my website and sign up for my newsletter. http://www.getcoached.com.