Nothing Is Working

Originally Published October 16, 2009

Dear Hal,

I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe I just need an outlet right at this moment, so here goes. My daughters fight constantly. I don’t know how to deal with them even after taking tons of parenting courses. I just want to cry. I don’t believe in spanking...and I hate to resort to yelling. What does one do.

First of all, thank you.

Thank you for entrusting me and others with these intensely private confessions. As a therapist, I am honored to get invited into some very private places, and I am learning to tread lightly on those holy grounds. As you recognized about “needing an outlet,” there is power in the telling. There is power in eliminating the secrecy, about opening up and telling about all the negative feelings you wish would just go away.

And these feelings you have told us here—sadness, frustration, despair--are all too common. For whatever reasons (I have some ideas), more and more parents are feeling overwhelmed and underprepared. The standards laid out for perfect parenting are in such contrast from the examples most of us grew up with, or the failures we constantly read about, that we simply feel lost. Or stuck. Or both.

The most telling part of your question may have actually been a statement, though. As you extolled your strong desire to not spank or scream, you then lamented, "What does one do." I know you probably meant to punctuate that sentence with a question mark, but the way it reads with a period speaks powerfully of the despair you mentioned earlier. Ending that question with a period reads as if, in your pain, you have no expectation of there even being an answer.

Unlike lawyers, most of us don't ask questions to which we think we already know the answer. We also don't ask questions that open us up to further disappointment. We may want to ask, because something inside us is dying for an answer, but we may neglect asking because well, we've been down that road before. But there is also power in the asking. Every time I speak to a group of parents and take questions, I always get a number of brave souls who stand up and ask "What do I do about (fill in the blank)?" And my answer is always the same: You ask yourself that very question, but with a twist.

As you anticipate another interaction with your kids, you ask yourself, "What do I want to do about this?" In the heat of the moment, you ask yourself "How do I want to handle this?" In the aftermath of yet another screaming match with your kids, you ask yourself "What do I want to do next time?"

There is power in the asking, because just asking gets us to focus on ourselves. Just asking takes our gaze off our kids and places it on the only factor we can control—our own responses. The reason we feel like failures is because we start by judging ourselves on our kids' behavior. We have read the books, attended the classes, and started to apply all the proper techniques. But then our kids become the immature individuals, with minds and lives of their own, which cannot be governed by technique. So we try harder, and, of course, so do they. Maybe one of our children "gets with the program," but others constantly "rebel." Or maybe they all just fight, with us, with each other, with teachers... And then we don't see the results we thought we would, the results we hoped we would. So we start getting reactive in ways we promised we never would, and then we judge ourselves as failures. Our kids' aren't behaving, and now we're not behaving, and we turn questions into statements, What does one do indeed.

What we do is this: We go back to the very spirit that's leading us to complain, or question, or judge in the first place. The fact that you're writing or asking or stating the question is the very fact that tells me you are already growing as a parent, and as a person, even though you don't feel like it. That desire to be better, that desire to have better, that desire to question is our greatest tool, factor, spirit, you name it, because that desire is always the great motivator for change. That desire can inspire us to make changes, to hold firm to principles, to do whatever it takes. That desire can lead us to, in your case, let go of our kids and take care of ourselves for their benefit. That's why the question to ask is always, "What do I want to do here?"

That want is the path to creating the relationships we really crave. Asking how I want to behave stops me from asking (or demanding) how I want my kids to behave. Asking what I want to do focuses me on me, and gives me the best chance of influencing the situation, leading me with my calm principles, instead of my anxious fear of failure. You are not a failure, because you're still asking (or telling) the question. Don't worry about your kids. Don’t worry about their fighting. And most of all, don't worry about you.

Just keep asking the question.

Take Care,

Hal

The Wonder Years

"There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million." -Walt Streightiff

ScreamFree's Take

When did it happen that we got so bored with life? When is the last time you really looked at a ladybug? It’s really a shame that we have lost that sense of wonder, but if we allow our children to show us how, we can recapture it again. When you have a curiosity about life in general, you can never really have a bad day. You can see every obstacle as a chance to grow and every mundane task as a chance to learn. Children are so resilient when faced with obstacles because they can always find something fascinating about any situation. The next time you have to clean out the gutters, stop for a moment and really breathe in the air. Think about how crazy it is that trees know when to shed their leaves and how boring life would be without all of the colors they provide. By looking at the world through the eyes of a child, you can recapture that amazement, which will in turn allow you to be thankful for the very things that are right in front of you even if (like both leaves and children) they do have to be cleaned up. -Hal Runkel, LMFT, Author of ScreamFree Parenting & ScreamFree Marriag

Get A Grip

"Grasp the subject, the words will follow." -Cato the Elder (234 B.C.-149 B.C)

ScreamFree's Take

Many times, when parents first encounter the ScreamFree material, they beg me, “Just tell me the right thing to do and then I can do it.” Believe me, I totally understand that desire. But I would be doing those parents and their children a grave disservice if I gave them what they thought they wanted. Why is that? For one reason, both kids and parents are unique. There is no one size fits all solution out there for any issue. And even if there were, the “right” technique employed for the wrong reason can be just as harmful as anything else. What I encourage parents to do is relax just a bit and take some time to really understand the principles of ScreamFree Parenting. It’s a totally different way to view the world and all of the relationships in it that matter most. By jumping to “what do I say” to my kids before marinating in “how can I be” with my kids, parents are selling themselves and this material short. Parents could simply focus on grasping these principles and they won’t have to try so hard to say and do all the right things. Patterns will start to unfold before them that they never saw and their kids will look less like problems to solve and more like people to love. And once this happens, just about any words will do. -Hal Runkel, LMFT, Author of ScreamFree Parenting & ScreamFree Marriage

Kids and Stress

Stress is a part of everyone’s life even kids and even more so with a new school year just beginning. Don’t think that because they are young that they don’t know what it feels like to be anxious and stressed about situations that come into their daily lives. What they might not know is how to deal with it constructively. That is where you come in as a parent who can help them gain the skills they need to constructively deal with stress and anxiety.

What is Stress?

Stress is our response to situations that occur in our lives. The responses are physical, mental, financial and spiritual.  Many of the physical changes take place involuntarily. For instance, you get stomach cramps when you think about having to deal with a difficult coworker.  I am sure nearly everyday we encounter different scenarios that fall into the stressful category.

It works the same for kids except that they lack the experience to put their feelings and situations into words. For this reason, many parents may think their kids are not experiencing stress at all but may consider it to be something else. But, they don’t have to struggle with bills or a job to have the results of their stress manifest in their young lives.  Today, our kids are bombarded with pressure from peers, school, sports and sometimes even with expectations and situations in our own homes.

How to Help your Child Cope with their Stressors

Learning how to help your child will take a practiced eye on your part. Get to know your child’s moods so you can discern when something is up with them.  More than often a mom has that key intuition that is triggered when something is not right.  Don’t ignore that – ask questions and try to initiate conversation to uncover the stressor.

Think about how stress affects you. Are there sleepless nights? How about poor eating habits or headaches from not eating at all? Are you sick all the time or cranky at the least little thing? Recognize the signs of stress.

No one wants their child to suffer discomfort. If you see that something is different about them, here are some ways to help them articulate what they are going through.

Notice what is going on – This involves telling them that you have noticed they have changed in some way.   Let them know you are concerned and want to help if you can. This could be the doorway that allows them to open up to you.  Be careful to not pressure and nag for them to let you in.  This will only make the situation more difficult.

Listen without judgment – Practice listening to them. Try not to let your emotions show on your face. This is where being a ScreamFree Parenting really comes into play.  Keeping your emotions in check to response rather than react will let them know they can trust you to not blow up.  Let them speak without interruption. Consider everything that they have said before speaking in response.

Help them sort out their feelings – Kids may not know what they are feeling. You can put a word to their emotions so they can better express themselves now and in the future. For example, if they don’t know which way to go then they are experiencing confusion. 

Come up with solutions together – Brainstorm with them about ways to solve the issue they are facing. If one doesn’t work, reassure them that you can try another.  Ask questions to get them into the problem solving mode rather than you just giving them your ideas.

Comfort them – Sometimes nothing needs to be said. They just want their parent to give a big hug. 

Teach coping skills – Burn off steam through exercise or some other activity you can do as a family. Exercise has been known to reduce stress levels.

Kids get stressed – there are many situations they will be faced with that contribute to stress.  As a parent, you can do more to help them than others, so tune in now in order so they may learn appropriate ways to cope with stress.

Susan Heid is the mom behind The Confident Mom where she loves inspiring moms to make small changes managing their home and family life giving them more time, order and less stress! As a Certified Parent Coach, Family Manager Coach and ScreamFree Certified Leader she enjoys sharing her expertise with moms through workshops, individual and online group coaching.  She is a proud mother of 4, married to her very own prince charming, loves coffee, cloudy days, and does think the “bluest skies you’ve ever seen are in Seattle.”

 

Back to School Blues-Part 3

Back to School Blues-Part 3

In honor of the most wonderful time of the year - back to school, we are concluding our series entitled “Back to School Blues.”  In this series, Kelvin Teamer, ScreamFree Institute Fellow teams up with one of our ScreamFree Certified Leaders, Jessica McKeown to help parents learn how to navigate their way through the minefield of emotions that typically come with this annual rite of passage.  Jessica and her husband live in Fairbanks, Alaska where she works as a Parent Educator.

"I have the power!" This was a statement made by the 1980s cartoon character, He-Man. If you don’t know He-Man’s story, let me fill you in. He-Man was really a mild-mannered prince from a mythological land called Eternia. Whenever trouble popped up and the world needed a hero, Adam would hold up his sword and transform himself into the super strong He-Man. When he changed his appearance, he would then inform anyone that was in ear-shot about his new found power. Maybe it is time parents become the hero in their households and begin using the power that they already have.

When parents stop picking up gauntlets thrown down by their children and begin focusing on their part of testy situations, they can enjoy power that they have previously given away. Using this power can look a lot like this:

Child:  Dad!  I don’t have my science folder!  I need it!  

Dad:  Sounds like you’re going to need to check the house for where you might have left it.

You could stop arguing over homework:

Child:  Mom!  My report for social studies is due tomorrow, but I didn’t start it yet.  You have to help me research it!

Mom:  If you would have asked for help earlier, I might have been able to brainstorm with you.  Its 10 o’clock and I have to wake up early for work.  I hope you get it done.

Can you imagine what it would be like to avoid these conflicts?  You would have so much time and energy!  You would help your children learn responsibility and consequences.  You would be aware of your part in the conflict and could choose to respond differently, perhaps with calm and authority.  The pattern you had been in before - the one that lead to frustration, could be broken.  Think about it,doing the same thing over and over, while expecting a different outcome, has been described as the definition for insanity.  I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready to lose my marbles over a squabble with my child.  

One of the most important things to remember as a parent is that you are in charge of your own self and your reactions.  Sometimes we may think our reactions are justified because our child’s behavior warranted such outbursts from us.  The fact of the matter is, no one can make us do anything.  We are in charge of how we participate in conflict.  It’s time for a positive change.  Besides, who has the energy or desire to intentionally allow himself or herself to go insane?  I would venture to say none of us do.

Instead of trying to convince yourself that the start to this school year will be conflict free, convince yourself, or give yourself permission, to change your patterns.  Your part in the conflicts that can surround school preparations can be minimized this year if you allow yourself time to pause.  Keep emotional reactivity at bay by responding to your child, not reacting.  

Back to School Blues-Part 2

In honor of the most wonderful time of the year - back to school, we are continuing our series entitled “Back to School Blues.”  In this series, Kelvin Teamer, ScreamFree Institute Fellow teams up with one of our ScreamFree Certified Leaders, Jessica McKeown to help parents learn how to navigate their way through the minefield of emotions that typically come with this annual rite of passage.  Jessica and her husband live in Fairbanks, Alaska where she works as a Parent Educator.

The “Throw Down”

Has anyone out there ever had a “throw down” with his/her child? Those are the gauntlet tossing invitations for battle that our kids periodically place at our feet. When these invitations are accepted by parents, particularly at the beginning of the school year, it results in a battle of that may sound something like this:

Child: Mom! I don’t want to eat in the cafeteria. That food is gross! I hate my Barbie lunch box. I’m in third grade now! That’s for babies!

Mom: Well, what do you want me to do about it? School starts tomorrow and I have to pack your lunch because you refuse to eat in the cafeteria. I can’t believe you are waiting until the last minute to tell me you need a new lunch box! We’ll go to Target after school to get you a new one.

Did you notice the gauntlets that were thrown down by the child? First, she suggests to mom that she doesn’t want to eat in the cafeteria (gauntlet #1). This prompts mom to jump in and solve that particular problem by fixing her lunch (picking up gauntlet #1).  Notice that mom says that,“I have to pack your lunch.”  This statement is then followed up with the throwing down of another gauntlet - that of her desire not to carry the Barbie lunchbox (gauntlet #2). How does mom respond? By picking up the gauntlet, yet again. 

By not picking up those gauntlets, the conversation could have gone a lot like this:

Child:  Mom! I hate my Barbie lunch box. I’m in third grade now! That’s for babies!

Mom:  Bummer! Since tomorrow is the first day of school, it looks like you’ll either have to pack your own lunch in your Barbie lunch box or eat cafeteria food for lunch. What are you going to do?

Mom put the problem back on to her child, enabling the child to make a decision. The child was presented with a choice, carry the lunch box or eat in the cafeteria. Both are reasonable options, the child just has to choose. Neither option is going to make a lasting, negative impression on the child; to her ego or to her digestive system. What is going to make a lasting impression is giving her choices, which will build independent thinking. Mom’s calmness about the situation will also make a lasting impression.  With a calm approach, Mom communicates to the child that she will not take the bait thereby throwing the gauntlet(s) away.

What gauntlets have already been thrown down by your child(ren)? How did you respond? Did you pick it up or leave it on the ground? We want to know!

Back to School Blues

In honor of the most wonderful time of the year - back to school, we are beginning a three week series entitled “Back to School Blues.”  In this series, Kelvin Teamer, ScreamFree Institute Fellow, teams up with one of our ScreamFree Certified Leaders, Jessica McKeown to help parents learn how to navigate their way through the minefield of emotions that typically come with this annual rite of passage.  Jessica and her husband live in Fairbanks, Alaska where she works as a Parent Educator.

Here we go folks, another school year. Though we are excited to add a little structure to our kid’s lives, ironically we may be dreading its arrival. The reason being is that many of us have enjoyed a relaxing, peace-filled, unstructured summer with our offspring and the thought of another nine months of sleep-deprived, over-scheduled, homework-driven conflict with our kids doesn’t exactly make us feel warm and fuzzy.

Have you noticed that this time of year is often filled with conflict and arguments? As you already know, conflict happens when two different forces come up against one another. Every August and September these forces seem to engage in battles of Olympic proportions.  Parent versus child, with each looking to win the gold medal. The big question for parents, however is, “How are you contributing to the pattern of conflict?  It is entirely possible that we can learn to enjoy our kid’s educational experience if we learn to focus on our part of the problem. If we refrained from knee-jerk responses when speaking with our kids, could we defuse an argument?  Yes.  By changing one reaction, a whole argument can be averted.  For us, it all starts with a pause while in the midst of a throw down.

These “throw downs” between us and our children seem to occur more often during the school year. Why is that? It’s because this is the time of year where our anxiety seems to skyrocket. We are concerned about our kids adjusting to school, new teachers and new expectations. We become overly focused on how they are going to handle all of that. Will they succeed or crumble underneath all the pressure?

Did you notice that the previous paragraph was all about your kids? See, that’s where the real problem comes into play. Whenever we become focused on those forces that we can’t control; our kids, anxiety spikes and eventually...you guessed it, we lose it. It seems that we do this every year. Are we tired of that yet?

The real key is to begin paying attention to our own functioning in the midst of all that is going on around us. So as you load up that cart at Target or Wal-Mart with paper, folders, pencils and backpacks and send them out of the door or on the bus, get in touch with the natural anxiety that flows from such a process. Decide on the type of parent you want to be this school year. Cast your gaze there rather than on the type of student you want them to be.

So, what type of parent do you want to be this year?  Let us know.