Whose Grades Are They Anyway?

My daughter is really struggling with her grades and honestly so am I. I understand that I am part of the problem because I am having trouble controlling my anxiety with her grades. Can you give me some suggestions of structures or processes that I can put in place that will not only help her, but help me stay calm during the process?
— Jill F.

Hal : We get this one a lot…well, at least this subject. OK, here’s the thing. You are not responsible for your daughter’s grades…I know for me I’ve got to breath that truth in. So, if that’s true, you have to take a step back and identify what are the actions that you have been taking that you actually feel responsible for? Are you harping on it? Are you talking about it every day? Are you having parent-teacher conferences without your kid in the room? Which, by the way, is mind-boggling that this happens. So, the parent feels responsible for getting the kid to get good grades and the teacher who feels responsible for getting the student to get good grades and getting together to discuss this…even though the only person that actually is in control of getting good grades is not even in the room. That is just not going to be productive.

Try this. "Whether you get good grades is up to you. Is there anything that I could be doing that could help you do better?" Get feedback from your kid. Ask her. Don’t be afraid of what she might say. She might say, "Yeah, you could get off my back." "Really. Tell me more about that." "Well, you’re harping on it all day. It’s all you’re ever talking about. You’re freaking out all the time." Then, you just have to resist the temptation to say, "Well, I’m just doing the best that I can. My parents didn’t…". You would tune yourself out if you were listening to that. Of course she’s going to tune you out. Don’t turn it into a lecture. Continue to ask questions.

Because…you’ve got to ask yourself a tough question. "Do I want her to discover her own unique way of learning and take control of her own grades or do I just want her to vindicate that I’ve been right the whole time?" I see parent after parent after parent who just wants to be proven right…rather than leading them down a better path. What are my responsibilities to my children? Do I set up a helpful schedule? Do I restrict TV time enough? We do it a little differently in my household. I tell my kids, "Hey, the TV is coming on at 5." "What?" "The TV is coming on at 5." "What about now?" "No." "Well, what should I do now?" "I don’t know…go outside, play, read a book, do your homework…that’s up to YOU." They are like "Huh?" That’s just so different than "The TV is not coming on until you do your homework." They need to now start thinking about managing their own time. "Oh , by the way, the TV is going off at 6." They begin to figure out, "Dad’s actually encouraging me to watch TV? How bizarre. Hmmm. Maybe now would be a good time do my homework."

My job is to provide encouragement, structure, supplies, whatever help they may need…but that may not come from me. If they ask for help, I say "who else in your class can you call?" My job is to hand their life back to them and equip them to eventually know what to do with it. And it’s never too late to get started.

Take care, Hal.

Seth Godin is a ScreamFree Parent

Ok, so I'm not even sure that the dude has kids, but I am 100% convinced that if he does, he is a ScreamFree Parent.  Why am I so certain? Because every now and again he writes posts like this.


He's describing how doing the things that are right may be harder in the short term, but they are better and less expensive in the long run. Sure, keeping your cool while your baby screams bloody murder for the third hour in a row is no walk in the park. But doing anything else will cost you (and your child) much more heartache and stress down the road. Same for toddlers, kids, preteens, and even...teenagers.


When you are in the throes of teen angst and you want to throw in the towel, don't. Do what's right, what's best, what's hard - the first time. I promise you will reap the rewards for years to come. If I'm wrong, we can both blame Seth Godin.

The First Shall Be Last

I have to admit that while I have been thinking and praying about the Chilean miners, I haven't been watching the story 24/7 like much of the world. But on this momentous night when all 33 miners were rescued, this CNN headline grabbed my attention:

"Last miner scheduled to emerge is group's captain."

Luiz Urzua thought that he was leading his crew into the mine for a 12 hour shift. He ended up leading them for 69 days. He was the first into the mine and the last one out. This is an incredible story about true leadership. Too often, kids think that power equates to freedom and leverage. They crave it because they don't feel like they have much say over their lives. And many times, all of that is true. But leadership is different than power. Leadership - servant leadership - is about being the first to go into a dangerous situation and the last one out.

This man kept his team sane and healthy by keeping his cool. Plain and simple. We as teachers and parents could learn a thing or two from Mr. Urzua. Here's hoping that he gets paid all of that overtime that he most certainly deserves.

"I Poo in Blue"

So this morning, I'm watching television with my kids and preparing myself for the endless barrage of "Wha???? Why???? What are we supposed to do????" comments that are about to come my way when I tell them to turn it off. That's when this commercial comes on the screen. 

It was, in the short span of 30 seconds, both hysterical and horrifying. Part of me loves the ridiculous over-the-top nature of the commercial and the product. The funky music, the slow-mo movement of the baby strutting down the street saying the classic line, "Even when I go number two, I look like number one." It is tongue-in-cheek at it's best.


But what I don't like is that beneath all of that irony is a bitter hint of truth. As parents, we do ridiculous things so that our children look, act, sing, play, and learn better than any of their peers. Why can't we just love our kids and want what is truly best for them without having to introduce the cruel concept of competition into their little lives so soon? Why do we tie so much of our own self-worth to the way in which our offspring "perform" for the world?


I am as guilty as the next mom. Despite what I say I believe, I sometimes get caught in the trap of comparing my son's baseball skills or my daughter's emotional intelligence to those surrounding them. I size up their competition and think about what I can do to help them get a leg up. Hey - no judging allowed - I didn't say I was proud of doing it - I just said that I do it.

So, Huggies - I thank you. Now when I  compare, manipulate, cajole, or anything of the sort when it comes to my children and how they are perceived by the world (and how that makes me look, of course) I will think of that stupid denim diaper. Because caring more about them getting ahead or being the best - instead of spending my energy on guiding their character, is simply creating a nice stylish package that is full of ..... well, you know.

Calling all Parents of Teens

So, this week, I was approached by the Partnership for a Drug Free America to be a guest blogger on their site. I will be submitting four articles about "decoding teen behavior" or something along those lines. Basically, they want my take on what makes teens tick and how we can parent them better.

I have taught teens for a number of years and I have a young one of my own, but I'd love to go into this guest blogging thing with a little backup from my peeps. If you have teens or adult children, I need your help.

What from ScreamFree has been helpful to you as you've parented your teens? Have their been some principles that have really made a difference to you? What is the best advice you've heard about teens and drinking or drug use? What kinds of things would you like to see someone in my position address?

I've already written one and I'll share it with you soon. But I know that there is strength in numbers. If you know someone who might have some insight, send them a link to this. Let's see what we can come up with together for the sake of all of our kids.

Tip of the Day: Fear of the Unknown

I was talking to a woman the other day who had huge bags under her eyes. She was pale and worn thin from a lack of sleep. Her seven month old baby took an hour to be put to sleep, and then he was waking 3-4 times a night. He would only nap if she held him, and even then, only for 20-30 minutes. He cried every time she tried to get him to sleep.  


Both mother and child were miserable from this pattern, yet the mother wasn’t sure that she was ready to teach her child to go to sleep on his own. Her reason? “I just don’t know how he’ll react.” Ummm…He’ll probably cry at first, but how is that any worse than what she’s going through now?  


If you’re in a pattern with your child that you don’t like, make a decision to stop complaining and do something about it. Do some hard thinking about what your child really needs in the situation, then jump right in. You won’t always do things perfectly, but that’s ok. Kids are resilient. What isn’t good for them is a long suffering parent too afraid to take chances with something new.

Tip of the Day: Too Much of a Good Thing

Kids will have you believe that they don’t enjoy structure. They will tell you – just as soon as they are able – that they want to sit around and play all day without having to do anything. Don’t believe them, for they know not what they say. As George Bernard Shaw said, "A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell."

Kids (and parents) thrive on structure. Every now and again, a day off in pajamas is a fun treat. But taken too often, this treat will make everyone sick to their stomachs. Kids like to feel a sense of accomplishment every bit as much as adults. Give them chores, set aside time for study, set limits on tv and computer usage. Sure, they’ll gripe at first, but remember – what kids say they want and what they really need are often two very different things.