Girls Gone Wedding

So you’re getting married! Congratulations! Such an exciting time in your life! Now onto planning the big day. 

Planning a wedding can be such a fun adventure. I got engaged 19 years ago, long before the days of endless wedding ideas on Pinterest, Say Yes to the Dress, and Four Weddings. When my husband and I planned our wedding, brainstorming involved looking through the latest issue of Bride’s Magazine. I know. I know. Yes, even admitting this makes me feel old! Today, I’m utterly amazed at the options afforded to couples who are planning their weddings. Seeing all of the creative photography ideas, wedding themes, and cake creations almost makes me want to plan mine all over again…until I remember the endless decisions that had to be made and how I often felt like the planning was a part time job. 

One of the biggest mistakes couple make in planning their wedding is that the couple doesn’t plan the wedding. The bride does. Now don’t get me wrong. Few boys grow up dreaming of their ideal tux and I don’t know of any teenage boy who has a Pinterest board labeled “Wedding Fantasies,” but who is getting married? Just the bride? Seriously! Have you seen any TLC shows about men planning their weddings? Nope. Just women trying on too-expensive dresses or planning a wedding that they hope will beat out three other weddings to win a lavish honeymoon.

Planning a wedding has the potential to set in place patterns that will continue throughout a marriage.  It can become a classic marital bombshell. What I mean is this…the bride takes charge, making most of the decisions regarding the wedding; meanwhile, the groom sits back, letting her control the situation.  Over time this pattern can take root, especially around big decisions (kids, home, etc.). This seemed convenient for both initially. She wanted to plan the wedding; he didn’t care one way or the other. But eventually, that pattern (she takes charge, while he sits back) isn’t so fun. Over time, she grows resentful, even bitter that he’s not more involved. Meanwhile he can’t figure out why she’s so upset; he thought they’d arranged things so that both of them were happy.

Last time I checked, the bride and the groom show up at the wedding.  So why not have the bride and the groom participate in the planning? I realize that many brides don’t like that idea because they have everything already picked out and they don’t want to give up some of that control. And frankly, many grooms might not like that idea either because they don’t really care about the details.  I realize that planning a wedding doesn’t seem like a monumental event that could set your marriage on the wrong course, but why not choose to create healthy patterns from the start? Why not use this time to learn how to negotiate, how to work together on a project, how to blend your lives now?  

Allow me to speak to each of you.

Brides:  Even if your parents are paying for the wedding, this is not just YOUR wedding.  Don’t be a control freak!  Include your groom in the planning. It doesn’t have to be 50-50, but the taste, traditions, and theme should reflect both of you. If he’s overwhelmed by the details, offer him fewer choices. (Which of these 3 bouquets do you like? Would you rather have a round cake or a square one?) 

Grooms:  Be involved. This is your wedding, too, so have an opinion. Don’t sit back and simply show up. Find aspects of the wedding that interest you and express your opinion, knowing that your experience of the wedding will be that much richer.

You’ve heard this before, but it bears repeating. Your wedding is one day but your marriage lasts a lifetime, so set your sights on how you want your marriage to look as you prepare your wedding, and who knows…maybe TLC will start calling.

The Power of Nostalgia

Hey troops -
I ran across this website this morning and spent way too much time laughing hysterically at the various poses. I think what thrilled me more than the actual pictures was the way in which I was transported to my own youth in looking at them.

In 3rd grade, I was utterly obsessed with Star Wars (for the record, I said I was a "Luke Skywalker girl" because all my friends said that we would look cute together, but I secretly yearned for the dark and mysterious Han Solo as evidenced by my 18" action figure I kept under my pillow). I used to bring my Darth Vadar mask/figurine carrying case over to Jimmy Murphy's house and we would spend hours in his backyard recreating Tatooine out of his mother's flowerbeds, which I'm sure she appreciated.

There was real magic in those action figures. I would save my allowance for weeks so that I could go to the store and pick out just the right new character to add to my collection. Would I go with the coveted Boba Fett with the rocketlauncher strapped to his back or would I round out my cantina collection with Greedo, Jaba the Hut's lackey who threatened my Han? The choice each month was excruciating.

I love thinking back on the girl that I was then. 8 years old, a mouth full of braces and not a care in the world. It wasn't long after that summer that those action figure days were over. I moved on to smurfs in an attempt to be more girlie and started chasing boys soon after that. So, it's small pleasures like stumbling upon this website that allows me to visit that girl, if even for just a moment.

I miss her. She was spunky and creative. She wasn't worried about mortgages and tonight's dinner plans. And then I catch glimpses of her in my own children when they don't know I'm watching and I realize something. That's the way it's supposed to be. Because I do take care of those adult issues that aren't nearly as fun as posing Luke and Leah in questionable poses (something I actually went to confession for after finding out they were brother and sister) - my own kids can be silly and carefree just a little longer. And I wouldn't have it any other way.